Ode To Joy
by Hincaru
Summary: Shinji was blinded by his depression, and after so many years of being alone all he wished for was death, but what he found was an angel. Can Kaworu help Shinji find his mother? And who will they meet along the way? :AU:
1. Ode to Joy Chapter 1

**_Warnings: shounen ai, ShinjixKaworu _**

**_Setting: an alternate and demolished world _**

**_Disclaimers: Evangelion characters do not in any way belong to me, I am not making money off of this, I just really wanted to write this story._****__**

**_Chapter 1_**

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The time was...forgotten. The years swallowed up in the explosions. The only sure things in this world was that the grass grew below you, the clouds moved above you, and as long as you suffered you were still alive, but no longer did people know the year, the time, when seasons came and when seasons went. No longer did people try, and few prayed, and never did you see a soul at the fountain surrounded by fallen homes and wobbling shacks, no longer did people believe in the magic of the coins thrown into the wishing fountain, for their mystic powers fed off of hope and faith, and they were lost as well when the explosions occurred.

These are the things Shinji noticed as he curled in the remains of his long fallen home, holding on dearly to the only things he had left, his walkman, a few cassettes, his photographs, hygienic necessities, and his God forsaken name which his father so graciously bestowed upon him at birth.

It had been a few years since the towns were left in ruin, and often Shinji found himself watching the young children who never knew of the tall buildings which once stood where their playground of rocks and rubble lay now. A group of children, no, toddlers rather played together now and he watched them closely, every movement they made, it took him back. Back to a time when he and the world were younger, kinder, playing with Rei while Asuka yelled and his beautiful mother watching and smiling, her hair blowing gently in the wind, but what Shinji saw next stole those memories from him. The children were playing as if nothing was wrong, yet they carried with them weapons, knifes and guns. Shinji's head dropped in shame of what his world had become, so terrible that toddlers had to carry weapons. Kidnappings and killings...people were shameless and thoughtless, they would kill a child without blinking. Just for a place to stay, for a little bit of food, because they were going insane, they felt it was all right to steal the life of a child. He shook in the chilling evil around him, stifling cries and screaming silently, he spoke in a whisper, tears pushing through his weakness.

"Th-there is no room for Angels...nor Demons, not when our world is over run...with children who carry guns.."

He laid down in the dirt and rubble. He had arranged some of the rocks so he could hide under long sheets of what used to be wall. He curled tightly under one of these hiding places now and listened to his music, looking at his photographs He had developed this skill, when he closed his eyes he could take himself away, he could go back and live any way he wanted, he could go anywhere, or to any memory. He spent more time in these worlds then he did in the reality around him. Often he took himself to a place where he could talk to his mother, where he could hear her voice, he never dreamed, only nightmares, so this is the only time he could see her and hear her, but that is all he wanted...more then anything else he wanted his mother.

Shinji spent most of his days in these dream worlds, but he had spent his whole day this way and his legs grew wrestles, they begged him to move.

What's the poin? he argues with his legs

I will eat and come back here to do nothing. Why not just forget about food, I could die! If mother really is dead then I could join her where ever she is...

Despite his arguing his restless legs got the better of him. He packed all of his belongings into a black courier back that hung on his right side, he had found the bag one day years ago twisted in the rubble. Gently he put everything he owned into it, to afraid to leave his possessions unattended.

His legs were weak and wobbling as he tried to work his way out of his 'home.' When he had taken a few steps he turned and looked at the mess of rubble he had just crawled from. Though most people had already turned the remains of their homes into shacks to live in, Shinji hadn't, he could, but..

"I just don't have the strength..." he spoke quietly, gently, and without faith.

He let his legs lead him through the city, everyone minding their own, but grabbing their children when Shinji walked to close. His head hung, to ashamed to claim his father, his father who single handily destroyed the cities. He shook the thought from his mind and continued to walk until he finally came across the biggest shack, the 'store.' It was built with different colored stones and warped wood, it was well made, or at least it was better then the any other shacks around. They haven't had the supplies to make mortar to build good houses, they could use mud but it rained to often and it would wash it away before it would dry. Shinji's eyes wandered up the old 'store' and he read the crooked sign hanging above the doorway. It read:

'Groceries, hunters needed.'

In this case the word 'hunter' is used very loosely, it just meant people needed to go look for wild plants and other food, or if you had spare meat to bring some in. Very rarely did someone actually bring in a dead deer or boar or anything, the only meat we really had was fish.

Slowly, but steadily, Shinji walked into the store, his head down, his eyes on the ground, trying his best to avoid eye contact with people around him. You see, people are taught when they are very young the often false statement that if you can't see them, they can't see you. The walk seemed long and tedious, but when he finally arrived at the front desk he raised his eyes, and standing behind the counter he saw a pale, frail woman with long flowing brown hair and cobalt blue eyes. Her name was Nana and she was the only person who was kind to Shinji. She smiled happily at him.

"Hey little Ikari!!" she said with a bounce to her voice, "What d'ya need?"

"Enough to survive." Shinji replied with a fake smile, feeling like it would be rude not to return her kindness.

With as much bounce in her step as there was in her voice she walked to the back of the store in a little room no one else could get to and when she returned she had rations of bread, fruit, and fish. He forced another smile to creep across his face, he could hear his stomach screaming in hunger, he had refused to eat for two days. He is always depressed, but sometimes it will grow so heavy that he wouldn't move from the rubble, he would just close his eyes and run away to neverland.

"Thank you." He said in a quiet voice before putting a piece of the bread in his mouth and wrapping the rest of the food up and sticking it in his bag. He then turned his back and walked quickly out of the store, sending silent thanks to the lord above, for when a person is starving even a bite of bread is a feast.

Little Ikari. How unsettling. She meant no harm by it but to compare Shinji to Gendo, to even speak Shinij's name in the same breath as his father's...it was insulting.

As Shinji's thoughts raced viciously through his head his legs continued to walk. His thoughts were racing so fast he felt light headed until something unusual caught his eye. Standing by the wishing fountain in the center of the city, not simply walking by, but paying mind to it, was a very unfamiliar sillhouette. Shinji's eyes traced the person standing in a clean white shirt, nice genes, perfect posture, silver hair, and very pale skin. He couldn't take his eyes off of the curious stranger. His mind was cleared, no thoughts of his father haunted him, the only thing he could think about was that kid, seemingly glowing, standing in front of a million abandoned dreams. Suddenly the kid's hand moved, and they flipped something. It caught the sun and it gleamed silver, spinning in what seemed like slow motion towards the fountain. It felt like there was no one else, only Shinji and that perfect stranger, no other sound, just Shinji's breathing and that coin landing in the water. Everything seemed to stop, the wind stopped blowing, thoughts stopped racing, the birds stopped chirping. Slowly the figure turned and looked Shinji right in his eyes.

Scarlet.

The boy's eyes were red. At first Shinji was startled, but then the boy smiled at him. The most beautiful smile he had ever seen, and for a moment all of his problems went away, his heart stopped aching, his mind stopped contemplating suicide, for that moment Shinji wanted to live, for the first time in years, he wanted to live. Just as suddenly as this had all happened, people started moving again, noise rose back up into a roar, or so it seemed to Shinji. His ears began to ring, and the boy disappeared behind a sea of adults who could have been walking in circles for all he knew.

Shinji stood there for a moment, to stunned to move.

"Am I...going insane...?" Shinji said out loud, not caring who heard him.

He found himself walking towards the fountain, gliding silently, like a ghost in a dream. He looked at the ground where the boy had been standing. He traced the ground, searching the rubble like it was going to spell out an untold message, something Shinji didn't catch. Slowly he leaned over to look into the fountain.

It couldn't be a dream.. He thought to himself over and over, It was to perfect, it was to real...it just couldn't be..

Shinji's light brown hues looked intently into the water, the glimmer reflecting in his eyes.  
And there...was nothing.  
Nothing but water, no coins, nothing. He stared at the water, his double quivering on the ripple, he half expected the face of the boy to appear in place of his own reflection, but it didn't.

Shinji stumbled backwards and looked straight to the sky. He felt like a lost spirit, people around him talked and laughed, but they sounded so distant, so unbelievably far away, he felt alone. He took another step back and looked forward, and then he started towards the ocean, he just had a feeling that he needed to head that way.

Shinji hadn't been to the ocean in years, and as he walked he passed what used to be a large building. He hardly remembered it, ut then he identified it as an old orchestra building, but it has been collapsed for so many years it hardly looked like it had been inhabitable at any time. He saw in the old worn door and windows many instruments; Violins, flutes, a bass, a grand piano, and a cello. Memories filled his head of a time when he could play the cello, it seemed so long ago, but so beautiful was the music he played, but never again would he hear it, only the familiar, gradually wearing songs on his walkman. To escape those old memories he paid the instruments no more mind and he continued drifting towards the ocean.

After a short walk he stood on the cooling sand of the Pacific coast. He swayed slightly, his heart following the gentle beat of the steady tides, rolling in and out, in and out. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the thick smell of salt, taking him back to when he was only five-years-old playing on the beach, his mother Yui chasing him, right on his heals. The cool waters washing up onto their feet. Shinji had to shake the memories from his head to concentrate again. He stared out at the ocean, trying to clear his mind, to only think about the waves, but suddenly he couldn't get the boy off of his mind, his skin perfect and pale, his hair flowing gently in the wind, shining in a way that made you think of the moon. Compared to that boy, Shinji was a mess. He didn't glow, as a matter of fact there was dirt on his clothes and under his uneven nails, compared to that boy he was nothing but an incompetent child playing in mud.

Normally thoughts like this wouldn't bother Shinji. In dirt and mud he waited for his life to end, he never paid mind to how much cleaner other people were compared to him, but now looking out at the sea things were bathed in a new light. He rummaged through his bag and found his hair brush, tooth brush and tooth paste, and a small bottle of shampoo.

He removed his clothes and waded in the water in only his shorts. He took his toothbrush and dipped it into the ocean, and he placed the thick minty paste on it and he began to brush his teeth. He tried his best to ignore the terrible taste of stale salt and mint, he took his mind to other things, like the cold water around his waist, the ever darkening sky, the stranger with the perfect smile. Finally it was time for Shinji to spit out the terrible foam in his mouth and he threw the toothbrush and the tooth paste on shore, and he ducked the rest of his body under the water, shielding his eye from the salt. He stayed there for a moment, thinking of how often he wanted to walk down here and dive under the surface and to never come back up again, but that wasn't his goal this time. He quickly jumped back up to waist deep water and flipped the hair from his eyes. He removed from the pocket of his shorts the small bottle of shampoo. He poured the thick lotion into his hand and viciously rubbed it into his hair, his nails scratching his scalp. He took in the sweet aroma of milk and honey as his hair foamed. He rinsed it out and took out the shampoo to do it one more time, but this time as he rubbed it on his scalp he was taken over by thoughts again.

Why am I doing this? Why all of a sudden, I never cared before! What happened to just wanting to die? What happened to just ending it all and joining mother...I wonder where that boy is...?

Shinji dived back under the water and he scrubbed quickly, removing the white, sweet smelling foam from his hair. This time when he jumped back up he started towards the shore, walking slowly, his joints stiff from the cold water. He sat on a large rock when he got to the shore, and he bent his neck back and looked straight up at the clouds moving slowly over a purple sky. A cold wind blew across the ocean and made the hairs on his body stand on end. He quickly jumped down off of the rock and grabbed his shirt, but before he proceeded to put it on he stopped and stared at it for a moment, tilting his head, examining it. It was, at one time, white, but that was until he slept on the ground for so many weeks. Now it was a light brown, covered in dirt, and his pants were no better., they were filthy. He shivered once and cursed the freezing water of the ocean and he turned back to it with his clothes in hand. He waded in it again, but this time only to his ankles and he dipped his clothing into the water. He shook them quickly, just trying to get some of the dirt off of it, but he cringed at how dirty the water around the clothes got when he shook them.

When he finally pulled the clothes out they were clean, or as clean as he could get them at that moment. He wrung them out and walked back up on shore and somehow maneuvered his way back into his clothes. They were so cold it felt like a million tiny knives stabbing him, but the tried to look passed it and he picked up his bag in his waterlogged hands, stuffing everything back into it except for the hair brush and he began walking towards the town, while holding the bag in one hand, and brushing his hair with the other.

The sun had sank on the horizon, and the night was black. The only light came from the moon and stars, and now more then ever he thought of the boy.

Shinji stumbled through the tall grass without stopping, until he saw the outline of the orchestra building. He stared at all of the instruments. He took a step towards it, but then he shook the thoughts from his mind and began running towards the city, hardly noticing the soft glow and billowing smoke extending from the city, only a short distance away now.

By the time Shinji arrived in the city he was shivering all over stiff and soaked. he stared at the large bonfire the residents had set close to the center of the town, it was so large that it seemed like he could feel the heat from where he was standing, but he stood quivering, trying to talk himself into joining the rest of them, but at this moment he couldn't handle the piercing stares of his cold hearted neighbors, and just as Shinji started towards his 'home' he heard a loud calling of a familiar voice.

"Heeeeeeyy Booooyyy!!" it was Nana.

"Hi Nana." Shinji replied gently, his voice as shaky as his body.

She ran up to him but stopped for a moment when she saw he was wet and shaking. She gently placed her hands on his shoulders and led him to the fire.

"You're going to freeze to death Ikari." She said in the tone the reminds you of a worried mother, but as they were sitting down Shinji spoke up in protest.

"Please, don't call me Ikari..."

She looked at him for a moment, confusion in her eyes.

"Then what do you want me to call you child?"

"My name is Sh-" he was cut off by an older woman who called for Nana, she was a great distance away. Nana smiled her apologizes to Shinji and trotted off towards the woman, and there he is left, still no one knew his name.

The gentle warmth of the fire cradled Shinji, warming his skin and drying his hair and clothes. He watched the fire as he brushed his hair one more time, as he was putting the brush away, however, he noticed just how beautiful the fire was, the sparks dancing high into the sky. It was a tiny oasis of light in this darkness, of warmth in this cold. he watched it intently, feeling the heat on his hues, but hardly blinking. He was taken back to that boy again, but this time he remembered something that wasn't as pleasant as his perfect posture and warm smile, this time he remembered that glimmer, the coin that had disappeared...was the boy all in Shinji's head? A manifestation of his loneliness..? Had he finally mixed his dreams with his reality?

Slowly Shinji pulled his knees to his chest and closed his eyes. he felt his heart quivering, he didn't know why but he was destroyed by the thought of that boy being a mirage, only a dream. Even though the fire was huge and burning hot Shinji felt very cold. he took himself back into his memories. To a time when his mother would hold him close and comfort him, when he and Rei would skip stones across the ocean and play and swim, those memories you keep tucked away in your mind so that you can warm your heart with them later. Like the sound of his mothers voice, the warmth of her embrace, his never ending laughs with Rei when they would talk and play, or that boy's smile...not again.

"It wasn't real." Shinji said, placing his head on his knees.

He opened his eyes and something unusual caught his attention.

Something that shone like the moon. It was the boy, so far from the fire he was hardly a shadow, but Shinji could see him almost perfectly, his silver hair shining, his red eyes glimmering, his perfect smile..strikeing. Everything about him was so perfect, and yet he would pick Shinji out of a whole crowd. For a moment the boys eyes watched Shinji, it seemed to last an eternity, those two just watching each other, but just as suddenly as the boy appeared he fell back into darkness, it became one of those memories...you warm your heart with later.

Shinji stood slowly, clumsily, he grabbed his bag and began walking to his 'home' which wasn't far away, but he felt like he was gliding along, just like the wind, completely unnoticed by the rest of the world.

After a few minutes of gliding Shinji arrived 'home' and something on the ground caught his attention, something shiny, something silver. Slowly he bent down and picked it up, flipping it between his fingers. It was a silver coin. He was so dazed he couldn't stop starring at it, slowly moving it around, watching it catch the moonlight, until finally he clenched it in his hand and laid down on top of the long piece of wall, so he wouldn't get dirty. He closed his eyes, smiling softly. That was something he hadn't felt in a while. A smile, a smirk at all, happiness. The last time he was happy...it felt so far away to Shinji, as far away as childhood, but he didn't think about childhood for too long before he fell asleep smiling, and for the first time in years he dreamt. Not a nightmare, no ghosts, the only haunting he had was while he was talking to his mother, surrounded by flowers, there was a faint outline of an angel in the distant background, they whispered promises, but Shinji couldn't quite hear what they were saying...

**_

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end of chapter one.


	2. Ode to Joy Chapter 2

note:

_**"Sillhouette angel in the dream"**_

Chapter 2:

* * *

The sun rose, bright in the sky. Shinji tossed and turned, but when he realized he couldn't block out the sun he sat up slowly. Stretching and yawning he stared up at the sky, noticing the little things, like how beautiful the shade of blue was, or how gracefully seagulls sailed across it. It seemed funny to Shinji that he had been so blind that he had never noticed such things before, and all it took to make him see was a stranger's smile, and a good dream. 

Today Shinji didn't wallow around his bed. He stood straight up and stretched his hands to the sky, and he put his bag back over his shoulder. The wind blew, hard and cold, so Shinji shoved his hands into his pockets to warm them. He felt something hot in his hand though, so he quickly yanked his hand out to see what he was holding. It was the coin. He smiled at it, happy that it hadn't all been a dream. He didn't understand why, but he felt safer with that boy around him.

Shinji started walking off, feeling to good to stay in one place, but he didn't get far before his stomach started to growl. He thought about the bread he had eaten the day before and he stuck his hand in his bag and pulled out an apple. He sunk his teeth into it, delighted to taste it's sweet nectar. Everything had more depth to it today, at least for Shinji. Everything just seemed to mean more to him, like something very important was going to happen and he wanted to remember ever moment of this day.

As Shinji walked along he scanned all the people, surprised. Everything looked so much different to him now, he had stared at the ground for so long he had forgotten what all of his neighbors looked like, but one person caught his attention. A little girl, only ten or eleven. She was knelt on the ground covering her face and crying. Shinji hated to see people cry, and his own eyes grew sympathetic. He walked to her and knelt beside her, gently placing his hand on her shoulder.

"What is wrong?" he said quietly.

Between sobs she replied "That man, he stole my food and the workers won't give me any more today. My little brother, he needs to eat. We haven't eaten in so long..." and her green eyes broke back into tears again.

Shinji's eyes wandered to her arm, it was bloody and bruised, obviously she put up a fight for the food and it was taken by force. For a moment the black ink depression dripped on his happy thoughts and he loathed the world for making bad things happen to good people, but then Shinji remembered something his mother had told him once when he was young.

_There will always be times when bad things happen to good people, and there will always be times when good things happen to bad people. If you want to truly make a difference in the world, then be one of those good things...that happen to good people._

Shinji sat for a moment, pondering those words. Then he put his hand into his bag and handed the girl all of his remaining food, even if he was hungry he could get more food since he hadn't been there today.

"No! No I couldn't." she said shaking

"I insist. This will do for today, and tomorrow you can go back to the store. Now go, feed your brother." He replied, sitting the food lightly in her hands.

She looked for a moment like she wanted to protest, but then she just smiled.

"Thank you, you're an angel." And with that she ran off.

Shinji stood, smiling lightly.

'I'm no angel, kid'

Shinji regained his composure and walked in the opposite direction of the green eyed girl.

He was nearing the wishing fountain now, and with every step things seemed to slow down. The closer he got, the warmer he felt, and he couldn't hear anything other then his heartbeat loud in his ears. He walked to the fountain slowly. Trying one more time to make sure he wasn't going crazy.

_Maybe if there is another coin in the fountain...maybe..._

It felt as if his heartbeat should be moving the water in the fountain as he took the last step and he was standing next to it. Slowly Shinji leaned over and looked into the water.

Nothing.

He was staring at himself again. He sat down slowly and leaned over the edge of the fountain. He pulled the coin from his pocket and flipped it slowly over his fingers, his heart overcome with doubt again. He watched the water move back and forth. Everything seemed to slow down and stand still for Shinji, everything except his breathing and that water, both moving the same way. In and out...in and out.

Suddenly his rhythm was broken. A silver coin dropped into the water, ripples fleeing in every direction.

"It seems the wishing fountain hasn't lost it's magic after all."

The voice that came from behind him, it made his heart skip a beat. It was smooth and gentle, the way an angel should sound.

Shinji stood quickly and looked at the owner of the voice. It was the stranger. Perfect posture, hair like the moon, a beautiful smile and haunting eyes, there was no mistaking him.

"I apologize, did I startle you?" The boy spoke with a laugh in his voice.

Shinji closed his eyes and stopped staring, he felt ridicules and rude.

"I-uh no, not at all. Don't worry. I was just ummmmn.."

Shinji clenched the coin tight in his fingers, and the boy laughed lightly, clearly amused by Shinji's nervousness. Even his laugh was beautiful, it could only be compared to the beauty of chiming church bells, it took all of Shinji's worries and insecurities away.

"I, um, my name is Shinji...Ikari." he said, debating on weather he should say his last name, afraid that the boy would resent it like everyone else, but Shinji smiled idly, and the boy returned his smile.

"I am Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa." he replied in a smooth voice, "It is my pleasure to meet you, Shinji."

Shinji. He stopped and took the sound of that in, he wanted to remember the way it sounded at that moment, for he hadn't heard it spoken by another person since that fateful day five years ago. Kaworu blinked once, slightly confused by the dazed look on Shinji's face, but then he placed the smile back on his lips.

"My, my...we're quiet aren't we?"

This woke Shinji from his daze.

"I-oh, sorry." Shinji smiled shyly, "Is there, um, something you wanted?" Shinji asked quietly, not wanting the boy to go away.

"Hmmmn? Perhaps."

Shinji stared at him with the question in his eyes.

"May I join you?" Kaworu asked.

"Join me...?" Shinji was confused.

"In doing whatever it is you would be doing, if I hadn't interrupted."

_What I'd...been doing.._

Sitting by the fountain seemed like so long ago for Shinji, now that he had spoken with Kaworu, a lot of things seemed long ago.

"Oh! I was going to the store." His stomach reminded him.

Kaworu smiled and turned and started walking away. Shinji stared at him confused, but then Kaworu looked back at him.

"Are you not coming?"

"Ehh-oh!" Shinji stood, using the movements as an excuse to shove the coin back in his pocket, not wanting to let Kaworu know that he had it, and he walked up and joined Kaworu.

He was even more amazing up close. Everything about him truly was perfect, and standing next to him made Shinji feel both honored and insignificant. Shinji hadn't brushed his hair today, so it was a mess, and he had scratches and scars all over him, he was tall and scraggly and moved clumsily over the rubble. Kaworu on the other hand, he was well groomed, and his skin was so perfect it almost glowed, and he glided more then walked over the rubble, he never lost his good posture.

_If that girl thought I was an angel, I wonder what she would think of him..._

Kaworu stopped suddenly, his head was tilted up, reading something. Shinji broke his starring at him and followed his eyes. It was the store sign.

"Hunters needed?" Kaworu questioned.

"It's not really hunting." Shinji said, "More like fishing and herb picking."

Kaworu smiled up at the sign and walked through the doors, and Shinji followed behind him. He dropped his head when he saw all of the people in the store. He didn't want to see their accusing eyes, or watch them pull their children away when he stepped to close, not wanting to hear them put him in his father's place. He felt a warm and gentle hand on his chin guide his eyes from the cold ground to their scarlet eyes. Kaworu searched Shinji's eyes for a moment, trying to find what was bothering him in his soul, and then he spoke loud enough for everyone to hear him.

"You're better then this Shinji."

He stared at him for a long moment, forgetting the glaring people around them, forgetting his redding cheeks, instead only concentrating on Kaworu's hand on his chin, and the silent request in his eyes. Shinji followed this request and walked behind Kaworu to the front desk with his chin up, facing everything around him. It was a simple request, it was a simple task, and yet it changed him completely. To have someone care for him enough to make him face the world...Shinji had waited for that for so many years.

Shinji had to blink himself out of this daze when he saw Nana sitting behind the counter, bouncing in her chair, smiling brightly.

"Did he just call you Shinji, little Ikari?"

"Yeah, um, and you can call me that, too."

Her eyes wandered from Shinji to Kaworu, someone she hadn't seen before. She leaned on the counter, obviously taken in by Kaworu's striking features.

"And...what can I call you, cutie?"

Kaworu looked slightly frightened by this advance and he moved closer to Shinji with unease.

"Kaworu." he said simply.

"Do you have a last name?"

"..." silence for a moment.

"It seems kind of rude to me."

"What?"

"For you to know my whole name, and I don't even know your first name."

She smiled slyly, "My name is Nana, but you can call me anytim-"

"Nana." Shinji quickly interrupted her corny advances.

She blinked at Shinji like she had forgotten he was there.

"Can we..um, get our food please?"

"Oh! Of course."

She went to her back room and Kaworu shot Shinji a look of gratitude. It was almost obvious that Kaworu wasn't used to people like Nana. When she came back she held two large rations of bread and fruit, but no fish.

"There isn't any fish today, I can't get anyone to get off of their lazy asses to go fishing." She answered our silent questions.

"Oh." Shinji simply replied, and right as he prepared to say his good-byes Kaworu spoke up.

"Shinji and I could go fishing for you."

Shinji looked at him and his huge smile.

"Why thank you!" she said happily.

Shinji looked at her and her huge smile. He couldn't refuse now.

"Let me get you the poles and the container of ice." and with that she pranced off to the backroom. You could hear things bang around and fall.

"She's...happy isn't she?" Kaworu said, trying to find a word to describe her.

"She's kinda dum-"

"She's back!" Kaworu saved Shinji from the embarrassment.

"Here ya go!" She handed the supplies over to them, "Now I don't want to see you two back her for a couple-a hours, y'hear! Catch as many as you can."

They said their farewells to Nana and left the store, turning immediately for the ocean.

"Gomenasai." Kaworu apologized, smiling at Shinji.

"Don't worry about it." Shinji replied with a smile on his face. After only knowing him for an hour Shinji already felt like he could die for Kaworu without regret, "At least it got us out of there."

"She was an excitable woman wasn't she?" Kaworu laughed.

The rest of the walk was silent, but Shinji didn't mind. He remembered his mother saying something about this.

_You know you have a future with someone if you can enjoy being with them, and you don't have to say a word._

"Heh.." Shinji laughed lightly.

"Hmmmn?"

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking."

"About whom, may I ask?"

Shinji smiled for a long moment, staring at the ground, not saying anything.

"My mother..."

For some reason Kaworu smiled, but it was a sad smile. Before Shinji could think to far into it, thought, he realized that he was the only one walking. He looked around for Kaworu, but he couldn't see him, only the orchestra building.

_Ok, there is no way I dreamt this!_

Shinji looked around frantically, confused and worried, but then he heard music. Slowly Shinji turned and looked at the orchestra building, and he started towards it. When he arrived at the opening he peeked in, and there sitting at the grand piano was Kaworu. His eyes were closed but his hands moved flawlessly across the keys. Shinji closed his eyes and listened closely, what song was it? The name was tucked way back in his mind.

_Ode to Joy._

Shinji couldn't help but wonder how a cursed old man like Beethoven could find it in him to make a song dedicated to happiness. He didn't understand how someone could write a song they could never actually hear because their hearing was stolen from them. It is hard enough for Shinji to comprehend being happy enough to ever write a song about how great it is. It was at that moment that Kaworu opened his eyes, as if he had heard Shinji thinking to himself. He stopped playing and smiled shyly up at Shinji.

"I am sorry I wandered off."

"Oh no, no. Please, don't be. I just want to know where you learned to play so beautifully?"

Kaworu smiled, almost like he knew something Shinji didn't.

"I...taught myself." He replied.

Shinji tried hard to ignore the cello laying on the ground next to him, but his eyes wandered from Kaworu and he stared at it. Memories flashed through his head of better times when he would play for his mother. he wondered if he still had the talent, or if it was lost with his mother in the explosions. Kaworu watched him curiously, and followed Shinji's stare to the grand old cello made of red wood. He smiled brightly back up to Shinji.

"Do you play?" he asked happily.

"I-I used to." Shinji replied, startled.

Kaworu spun completely around on the piano seat and waited patiently. Shinji quickly got the picture and leaned down to pick up the old cello. Kaworu moved from his seat, delighted and excited to hear what Shinji could do. He took Kaworu's place on the piano chair and positioned himself and his bow.

"Ummm, what should I play..?" Shinji asked.

"What is your favorite? What song makes you happiest?"

Shinji closed his eyes and thought back. Once when he was little his mother was sad, she sat at their kitchen table crying. Shinji felt so helpless, he wanted to do something, so he went and dragged his cello as close as he could to his mother. Then he started playing a song for her, she looked at him with tears in her eyes but a smile on her face. She hugged him close and told him that she loved him with all of her heart, told him that as long as it was in here power she would never let him be sad. It was this song Shinji wanted to play, and gracefully his bow glided over the strings and the air was filled with the loving sound of 'Cannon'.

Kaworu's smile softened, the song pulled on people's heartstrings and he was no acceptation. By his feet he spotted a violin, and gently he brushed it off, revealing it's once perfect color. He picked up the matching bow, positioned himself, and closed his eyes. Gently he moved the bow across the strings and joined Shinji in playing the beautiful song. Together the calming sound of the cello and the haunting sound of the violin created a beautiful sound. So opposite were the instruments, and in so many ways, yet they were still beautiful together. Simotainiously their bows moved gracefully across their strings, and Shinji smiled gratefully at Kaworu. He would have never wandered in here if he hadn't been searching for him.

_Another perfect memory...why wont this last forever...?_

No sooner did Shinji think this did the song end.

"You're amazing, Shinji..."

Shinji smiled shyly, not used to compliments.

"So where you."

Gently Shinji placed the cello exactly where it had been before, covering one of the only spots on the floor where there was no dust. If it wasn't for the new shine it had to it, most would think it had been untouched, Kaworu on the other hand placed the violin in a new spot on the floor, leaving his mark. Even though people would never know who it was, they would always know that there was someone there before them. Shinji noticed just how similar they were to their instruments. The cello was always there for a sad song, but the violin could do anything. The cello always sounded the same, but the violin could sound anyway it wanted. They are so opposite in so many ways...and yet...they were beautiful together.

They left the orchestra building, and walked silently to the ocean. Shinji wanted to thank Kaworu for everything he had given him in such a short amount of time, but he was to shy to. He couldn't stick to those thoughts to long, though, because here he was greeted with that familiar sent of the thick salt in the air.

As soon as they saw shore Kaworu ran gracefully and jumped onto a large black rock, and he turned and smiled back at Shinji, who was taking his own time. Soon he was standing next to the rock, and he sat down the container of ice. He looked down and buried his feet for a moment, enjoying the feeling of the sand between his toes, but trying not to look like a child he grabbed his fishing rod and prepared to run the line through it. Somewhere during the process however he had obviously messed up. The line got tied in knots and the more Shinji tried to untangle it the worse it got, even his hand got stuck in the mess. He heard the plop of a bobber hitting the water and looked up. Kaworu had already fixed his pole to perfection and was already fishing. He looked down at Shinji and laughed. He jumped from the rock and buried his pole into the ground.

"Here, let me help you." He said with a laugh in his voice.

He moved the strings around in an organized fashion, like he was trying to find something Shinji couldn't see. After a few moments of searching he found what he was looking for.

"Here we go."

And with that he pulled one particular string and Shinji's hand was free, along with most of the knots. Kaworu held the string in his hand and started working out the remaining knots while Shinji simply stared at his hand in amazement. Kaworu looked up at him for a moment and then smiled down at the string, clearly amused by him.

"It just takes patience and faith." Kaworu answered Shinji's silent questions, "And knowing where to start, and what you want out of it." And with that he finished with the knots and laced the string through Shinji's fishing pole. Happily he handed the pole back to Shinji.

"Th-thank you." Shinji said, starring at the pole for a second before holding up his pole and swinging it in what was supposed to be a cast, but it caught on a rock behind him.

Kaworu laughed again, and Shinji grew slightly embarrassed, knowing how foolish he looked. Kaworu straightened everything up and placed his hands gently over Shinji's, leading him and teaching him to cast. Shinji tried his best to look like he was watching what Kaworu was teaching him, but he couldn't think of anything other than Kaworu's hands on his.

After his pole was casted Kaworu took a step back and smiled at Shinji.

"Is there anything else, Shinji Ikari?"

Shinji tried to think of something clever to say in return, but he couldn't think straight at the moment, so he just used what was around him. Kaworu's line yanked and Shinji spoke up, pointing at the fishing pole behind Kaworu.

"You caught a fish.."

They both fished for a couple of hours, no real conversation, just enjoying the scenery, the peace and quiet, and each other's company. While they were telling each other of random childhood memories Kaworu looked to the ground, and then smiled sadly at Shinji.

"So...why do you drop your head...when you are around other people?"

Shinji couldn't help but look sad, he always avoided these thoughts because he couldn't hide his sadness when he spoke of it.

"I...just can't face them.." He replied finally.

Kaworu looked sad and curious to this answer.

"Why should you feel inferior to them?"

It was quiet again, uneasy, but Shinji felt safe with Kaworu, like he could talk to him about his past. For the first time Shinji braced himself to tell the story.

"My father."

Kaworu watched him sadly.

"Have you ever wondered how this island got this way?"

Shinji reeled in his pole and sat it on the shore, Kaworu did the same, and then moved over so Shinji could join him atop the black rock. He sat next to him, and pulled his legs to his chest.

"My father, he had this idea. He...found these huge machines...more like creatures, they were called Evangelions..." Shinji stopped for a moment, reminiscing his story.

"He had a whole underground laboratory..a whole world underground. He only had about a hundred people who would work with him, including his friends Misato and Ritsuko. He told everyone that the Evas would save us from the end of the world..it was a crazy idea that he could alter God's plan, but some people believed him. Even so far as to allow children to pilot the Evas, even thought they were so dangerous.."

Shinji paused for a moment, trying to hide the hurt in his eyes.

"And you see, my father never like me much, and he was going to use my friends and I as the first try, the test subjects. If we lived that's great, if we died then he would just find four more children."

"Who were your friends?"

"Rei, Asuka, Toji, and myself. My father, he just didn't care how dangerous his experiments were, or who they were going to hurt, he just wanted to be right, he just wanted the power and the respect. After he had the Evas he made these lifts to place them on all over the island. There was a platform they would stand on and when a button was hit they would rise to the surface. This was so there would always be an Eva when one was needed, no matter where it was needed. On January 17, five years ago, he decided to test those lifts."

Shinji stared unblinking out into the ocean.

"I don't know what he did wrong, but he did something wrong. Bad calculations, bad measurments..carlessness for the people around him. Needless to say the lifts worked, but they didn't work the way they should have, they didn't life the Evas the way they should have been. As they raised, one by one they smashed the Evangelions, one by one they exploded, destroying everything and everybody underground and above it."

Shinji tried his best not to cry, but he knew he wouldn't last much longer. He couldn't look at Kaworu, he couldn't move or he would burst into tears.

"And this is what the explosions gave us. So many people were killed on that day, so many people...separated, and I could hear it all. I could see it. Men, women, children, I watched them all die around me. I could hear them screaming for help, but there was nothing I could do. I could hear them crying, but I was helpless, that's why I hate to hear people cry, because I was trapped under the remains of my house and there was nothing I could do to help them, any of them."

He stopped for a moment trying to regain his composure, his eyes filling to the brim with tears, but he still refused to blink and let them fall.

"Misato and Ritsuko were found among the dead, along with the twisted bodies of the other one hundred who were foolish enough to help Gendo, but not my father. No, my father's body wasn't found...because that coward ran..he ran the hell away. I couldn't find my mother either, or Rei and Asuka, Toji was gone too, but I saw everyone else. I saw Misato and Ritsuko's twisted faces, I even saw Hikari, Toji's girlfriend, but I couldn't find anyone else."

Shinji let his head drop and he couldn't hold the tears any longer, he let them fall on the rock below him.

"That day everything was stolen from this island, everything was stolen from me. There is nothing here for me, I have no family, no friends, no protection...I had no reason to live. All I wanted to do...was die. And worse then that...everyone blames me, my father wasn't there so they blame me...for their fallen homes and the deaths of their loved ones, of their children and their husbands and wives, of their mothers and fathers, of all those people I watched fall around me but I couldn't save...they blame me for it all."

Shinji was curled tight into himself, not holding any tears back now. He had never spoken of that day to anyone, but after five years he didn't think it would hurt this bad.. Kaworu was overcome by sadness, and he felt helpless. All he wanted was to see Shinji smile, just to make him happy, but there was nothing he could do to help him. Gently Kaworu placed his hands on Shinji's cheeks and wiped the tears away. Shinji wouldn't look at him, he was to humiliated by his weakness, but Kaworu didn't care, it just proved to him that Shinji was human. Kaworu wrapped his arms around Shinji and pulled him close to his chest, forming a barrier around him, and Shinji cried into his shirt. For a moment Shinji couldn't understand how someone could be so kind.

"Why do you care...?" Shinji questioned, between breaths. "I am only a stranger."

Kaworu smiled gently and spoke into Shinji's hair.

"You're no stranger Shinji Ikari...I've known you longer then you think." and he kissed his head gently.

Shinji curled in closer to him, feeling comforted by his warm breath in his hair, and the gentle heartbeat in his chest.

After a few silent moments Kaworu spoke in a quiet voice.

"You say you couldn't find your mother...?"

Shinji nodded.

"Then she could still be alive."

Shinji leaned back and stared at him.

"What do you mean?"

She could just be in another city." Kaworu said, smiling softly and faithfully.

"...maybe." Shinji replied sniffling.

Kaworu put his hands on Shinji's shoulders and looked him in his chestnut eyes.

"So you do believe that she could be alive..?"

"Possibly." Shinji replied, slightly confused.

"Then let's go."

Kaworu grabbed both fishing rods and the container of fish. Shinji stared at him, bewildered.

"What are you saying?"

"Let's go look for her!"

"Are you crazy?!"

"Shinji, you said it yourself. There is nothing left for you here..."

Shinji said nothing, defeated by his own words.

"So you can stay here with nothing, or you can come with me..and have the chance of finding your mother..."

Shinji wiped his face, and smiled weakly.

"Yeah..."

"Yeah?!"

"Yeah, let's go..." Shinji said sniffling.

They started walking back to the city, Shinji taking the container from Kaworu, feeling bad for not carrying anything, but for the most part they were silent, to occupied with moving fast so they could get their adventure started.

When they arrived in town they looked around at everyone, preparing for another fire. Kaworu watched Shinji making sure his head didn't drop, but it didn't. Shinji just watched the people, moving around, to occupied with building their fire to even notice that they had entered the city. Kaworu smiled at this and he grabbed Shinji's hand and he ran towards the store.

"Bout time you two got back! The sun's goin' down!" Nana said as they walked through the door.

"But you were the one who told us to stay out." Shinji replied.

Nana laughed as Kaworu handed over the poles and Shinji followed the example by handing over the container of fish.

"Good job boys! Much oblige!" she started towards the backroom but Shinji caught her before she did.

"Um, Nana..?" Shinji started it

"We are leaving on a journey and we were wondering if we may have some extra rations in case of a long path?" Kaworu finished it.

Nana watched them curiously, her cheery disposition almost completely swallowed by a sense of sadness.

"Where are you going...?" She asked in a calm voice for once.

"To...find my mother."

It got quiet for a moment.

"I loved her dearly, Shinji, and she loved you with all of her heart. When you find her, tell her I say hi."

Shinji stared at her in disbelief. He never knew that Nana and his mother were friends, but now that he stopped and thought about it he remembered once when he was only very little a woman who came to visit mom. She put her hand in Shinji's hair and scruffled it up 'What's up Little Ikari?!' He remembered now.

Nana walked to the backroom and when she returned she had a large bag of fruit and bread, along with a few bobbers and some string so they could catch their own fish when they needed it.

"May I make a suggestion..?" She spoke with a sad smile on her face. "Stay in town tonight, it is getting late. You should start your journey in the morning."

Shinji nodded once, smiling gently, seeing Nana in a whole new light.

"And don't forget to tell Yui..."

"I won't."

And with that they left the store.

The fire started as soon as the sun sunk behind the horizon, but Shinji and Kaworu didn't join them. They sat at the remains of Shinji's house, the place he had slept for the past five years, and this would be his last night. They watched the others dance around the fire, talking about anything and everything.

Shinji's heart raced as he thought about his mother and his friends.

_I wonder what mom looks like now? Oh, how am I going to tell Toji about what happened to Hikari? I wonder if Kensuke is with them? I wonder if I am strong enough to stand up to Asuka now, and if Rei has opened up a little. Mother, I wonder how she is? Probably taking care of everyone else, like she always did. I wonder if she is thinking about me...I wonder...I wonder..._

Shinji looked very distracted by his thoughts, Kaworu noticed this because he couldn't take his eyes off of him.

"...her."

"hmmmmmn?"

"Tell me about her." Kaworu requested

Shinji hadn't noticed Kaworu was talking to him at first, but now he smiled brightly at the fire.

"She is so beautiful, and so kind! She took care of everyone, treated everyone exactly the same. She didn't see people the way most people do, not by race or religion or belief. She would have gladly jumped in front of a bullet for a perfect stranger. Oh! I remember this one time when I was four or five and Asuka was picking on me, and I was crying, so my mother picked me up and kissed me and told me that 'Asuka was only acting that way because terrible things were happening in her family, you should never ever treat anyone like that ever!' and it made me feel good. Oh! And this one time when we went to the park..."

Kaworu listened to everything Shinji said with a smile. Holding on to every word he said, completely amazed by the sound of a good mother. Shinji talked and talked about her, it almost seemed like he wasn't taking breathes in between.

"And! Oh...heh heh...I'm sorry, I could go on for hours about how wonderful she is..." Shinji finished after a few minutes of non stop stories.

"She sound amazing!" Kaworu said with a laugh in his voice. "It must be where you get it from, Shinji." He smiled lightly at Shinji and then laid down on the rubble.

Shinji watched him for a long moment before laying down beside him. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, and again he was standing in a large field with wild flowers and a little house in the middle. He was standing with his mother, whom he ran up and hugged, immediately he started talking to her.

"Mother! I've met someone amazing. I've only known him a day and yet it seems a lifetime. he's already done so much and helped me in so many ways. His name is-"

"Kaworu." Yui interrupted, her voice smooth and comforting. "I always knew he would be the one for you."

"What do you mean, mother?"

She smiled very gently and placed her hand on his shoulder. She moved almost like liquid motion and pointed at the silhouette angel on the horizon, the distant shadow tried to speak again.

_**"...you."**_

"I...I can't hear them mother..."

"Listen closely my darling."

_**"...you."**_

Shinji listened the best he could, all night he tried to listen, but still...he couldn't quite hear what they were saying...

* * *

end of chapter 2 


	3. Ode to Joy Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** "Journey to the West" is a story written by Wu Cheng'en in the 1500s, obviously I didn't write it.

_**"angel in the dream"**_

**Chapter 3:**

* * *

Shinji was sleeping soundly, still trying to hear the angel in his dream, but then he felt a firm but gentle force shaking his arm. 

"...you."

He opened his eyes, trying to focus, but all he could see was a pale blur.

"Hey you."

It was Kaworu.

Shinji sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes until he could see the world clearly again. Kaworu's beautiful features were complimented by the very dim light around them. He looked amazing, and this made Shinji send silent thanks to God for allowing Kaworu to be the first thing he saw that morning.

"Are you ready to go?" Kaworu asked, smiling.

_Go...oh mother!_

Shinji smiled and nodded once at him. "Let's say good-bye to Nana first."

They walked quickly, excited about the journey ahead of them. The only thing that was bothering Shinji is that it was so early in the morning he wasn't sure if the store would be open. When he pulled on the door, however, he could hear someone move in the back of the store by Nana's desk. Slowly Shinji and Kaworu walked in, looking around curiously. Without all of the people the store felt sad and spacious. Just a large empty room, so much so that even their steps were mimicked in an echo.

When they finally reached the desk Nana came from the back room, obviously just woken up.

"I was hoping it was you two"

She walked around the desk and studied the two of them for a moment, but then she stuck her hand in the pocket of her robe and extended her hand to Shinji. He took what was in her fist and examined it closely. It was a silver pin of an angel. Their wings were beautiful and detailed. Their hair was long and their eyes were gentle, but not colored. They looked very familiar to Shinji, the pin itself looked very familiar to Shinji, but he didn't know why. When he looked up to ask what it was she answered him.

"It was your mother's, we had matching ones actually. She bought one for her and one for me, but now I want you to have it." she smiled weakly.

"But why?" Shinji asked, it's not that he wasn't grateful, but he himself would have never given up something so precious.

"Honestly, she asked me to give it to you in a dream last night. She said that if you didn't understand it now that you would soon." The more she spoke the weaker she sounded.

Shinji stared at the pin for a moment, trying to decide who it looked like, but soon he gave up and placed it in his pocket next to his coin. When he smiled back up at Nana she was almost crying.

"Wh-what's wrong...?"

"You...look so much like her...y'know...?"

Shinji smiled gently, both honored and depressed. Nana grabbed him and hugged him close.

"You be safe, all right? Don't do getting yourself hurt." She turned and hugged Kaworu, "You take care of him, take care of each other."

She turned and walked behind the counter, being to proud to show her tear ridden face. "Just...be safe."

"Good-bye." Shinji couldn't help but frown. She looked so alone and frail sitting there crying, but he didn't like long good-byes, and neither did Nana, so he turned and left, Kaworu close behind him.

They left the store with a heavy heart, but they never looked back, they never showed doubt or regret. Shinji's heart raced, however, and he didn't hide it. Kaworu smiled and laughed at him as he ungracefully stumbled across the rubble.

"Hold on." Kaworu demanded suddenly as they were walking by the fountain. His hands were dug deep in his pockets and when he pulled out his fist he offered something to Shinji. He walked up to him slowly and opened his hand below Kaworu's. He dropped a silver coin in Shinji's hand. His brown eyes traced it, watching it glimmer in the dim light of sun break. Kaworu held a coin of his own and smiled at Shinji before closing his eyes and after a moment he flipped his coin into the fountain.

A wish.

Shinji stared at the coin in his hand. The magic of wishing had been long sense forgotten by Shinji, but when he was with Kaworu he felt like making wishes. Shinji closed his eyes and began to wish.

_Please. Please...let me find my mother._

And he flipped the coin, watching it fall perfectly into the water.

He smiled over at Kaworu, curious to what he had wished for, but knowing the theory that if you talk about a wish then it won't come true.

"Shinji, we should start off before the sun is fully exposed." And with that they started on their journey.

Shinji still moved clumsily over the rocks and rubble, even though the wishing had calmed his heart. It seemed weird to him that he would still stumble over the same rubble he had lived around for five years, and more then that he didn't understand how Kaworu glided so perfectly over it, like it wasn't even there. How did Kaworu do everything so perfectly? Every little thing he did stole Shinji's attention, everything he said stole Shinji's breath away. It was just so amazing.

Kaworu looked over and caught Shinji's eye. This made Shinji turn away, slightly embarrassed by the fact that he had been caught watching him so intently, but Kaworu only smiled. He stopped for a moment and turned to face the city.

"Aren't you going to say good-bye, Shinji?"

"Good-bye" Shinji's heart pounded in his ears. 'Is Kaworu staying here? Did he change his mind? What did I say? What did I do?' Shinji face began to flush, but then he heard Kaworu speak again.

"Of course, say good-bye to everything you've had for the past five years."

Shinji was so relieved he almost passed out.

"Good-bye to everything I've known.." Shinji replied with a sigh in his voice.

Shinji was shocked to see how far away the city was already, he hadn't even noticed. He was only paying mind to Kaworu, he didn't even know if the world was still turning, nor did he really care. He was with Kaworu, on his way to see his mother. He couldn't wait until the city was as far away as the sunrise.

"What does it feel like.." Kaworu started as they began to walk again, "What does it feel like to leave behind everything you have ever known?"

Shinji watched him for a moment before he replied.

"Y'know, it's not so bad, as long as you stay with me."

Kaworu smiled shyly at him, slightly embarrassed by the fearless reply. It seemed Shinji had already become stronger.

"But you should know what it is like to leave everything behind, Kaworu, you're not from around here."

Kaworu smiled a fake smile at the ground.

"Where...are you from?"

His red eyes wandered from the ground to the sky.

"Far...far away."

Shinji couldn't help but frown. He had never thought about it before. Kaworu was alone, just like Shinji, he didn't have parents, he didn't have a family, he didn't have anyone. And yet he still had the courage to travel around. He still had the courage to live. Shinji didn't even have the courage to move when he lost his mother, but Kaworu on the other hand, he did more then move. He found it inside him to go on with his life, and to be kind, to make other people happy along the way. Kaworu was truly amazing, but Shinji didn't even have the courage to tell him that. It was like Kaworu was everything Shinji wasn't, his complete and other half, but he couldn't help but wonder what had happened to Kaworu, what was so bad that he never even spoke of his own past. Kaworu smiled sadly at Shinji, knowing exactly what his companion was thinking.

"Don't worry about me Shinji, what's past is past."

"But..what happened to them...your family I mean."

Kaworu sighed at the sky and then smiled over at Shinji.

"It was a long time ago, besides, it's a long story."

"Kaworu."

"Shinji..please...just.." He was smiling when his eyes met Shinji's again. "You have a sad disposition, love. I don't want you worrying about me."

_Love_

Kaworu really knew how to turn Shinji's thoughts upside down. He smiled to himself, ignoring the world around him. Everything was calm and undisturbed for a long moment, but then he felt something fidget with his leg.

"Gah!" he looked down and Kaworu was rummaging through Shinji's bag.

"W-what are you doing?"

Kaworu looked up at Shinji, his eyes made it seem like he didn't expect to see Shinji there.

"I haven't eaten in a w-while, and I think that my stomach in caving in on itself..."

Shinji couldn't help but giggle. Kaworu had always been so polite and refined and articulate, it was relieving to see him being so open. Slowly Shinji sat down and moved his bag to his lap, and Kaworu sat next to him and waited only as patiently as a child, bouncing in one place. Shinji laughed as he handed him a piece of bread. Kaworu started eating and stared off into space. Shinji watched him closely, so many thoughts racing through his mind.

_I wonder what he is thinking about? Maybe he's thinking about where he's from. I wonder what happened to his family. I wonder if they were murdered? Suicide? Did they love him, or maybe they were so foolish they never noticed how amazing he is. I wonder if he watches me like this? I wonder why his skin is so pale and his hair is silver...and those eyes. I wonder..._

"..Are you albino?"

Kaworu choked on his bread, never expecting Shinji to be so straight forward with such a personal question, it made Kaworu laugh like he hadn't in years.

"What made you ask that?"

"Well, I-uhh..." Shinji stuttered and looked down, blushing.

Kaworu smiled at him, amused by his shyness.

"Actually, and surprisingly, no, I'm not albino."

"I don't want to sound rude, but how do you have such striking features if you are not?"

Kaworu smiled at him, obviously debating on his answer, and he finished the last of the bread in his hand before speaking.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"

"Huh?"

"We will be heading west!" Kaworu changed the subject, pointing in the direction that the sun sets, "It will be our own journey to the west!"

"I loved that book! Son Goku was my favorite!" Shinji added to the statement.

"Good! Then give me a peach and we can begin our journey in Son Goku's footsteps!"

Shinji laughed and handed his companion a peach and they started on their way, just as promised.

After about a half hour of walking with Kaworu Shinji couldn't help but notice how odd it was to see someone as happy as Kaworu in such a sad world tainted with destruction.

"How can you be so happy?" Shinji couldn't help but ask.

"I'm an optimist." Kaworu shrugged, dropping the core of the peach onto the ground.

"But how..?

Kaworu smiled up at the cloudy sky.

"Look up at the sky, Shinji, and tell me exactly what you think when you see it."

He watched Kaworu, curious for a moment, not knowing what he was trying to prove, but then he let his eyes wander to the darkening sky.

"It's gloomy and it looks like rain, why? What do you see Kaworu?"

"I see a dragon moving gracefully across the sky."

Shinji tilted his head this way and that until he could see what Kaworu saw, and the cloud did look quite a bit like a dragon.

"And what do you think when you think of rain, Shinji?"

"It's cold, wet, and depressing."

"When I think 'rain' I think of how beautiful it is, I remember all the good times when I was a child running and playing under the crying sky, and I think of the life it gives our Earth."

"How can you smile while you talk about the heavens crying down on us?"

"Who ever said that they were tears of sadness?"

Shinji just stared at him, completely amazed by this logic. He hasn't spoken with such an optimistic person since his mother left. Kaworu smiled gently at Shinji, who was looking at the world from a different angle. He placed his hands on Shinji's shoulders and smiled gently.

"When I find someone who is life changing, I don't cry over the fact that I will never be the same, I smile at the fact that my life will be spent with that person."

"What if that person leaves you?"

"Then I will be left with the fact that they have changed me, whether it be for better or for worse, they have changed me for good."

"How can you be so happy...?"

"Someone needs to be..."

"But..."

Kaworu didn't let him finish. Gently he pressed his lips onto Shinji's. His sweet smell, his sweet taste, his soft lips. It didn't seem like he could be human. There had to be something wrong with Kaworu...he was just to...perfect. With one kiss..that seemed to last a lifetime, he made Shinji forget everything bad that had ever happened to him. It was the happiest moment in his life, one of those moments that burn itself into your memory, one of those moments that no matter how hard you pray that it will last forever, it always has to end, and so it did. The kill broke and their lips parted, it had only been a few moments, but Shinji would remember it forever.

He couldn't speak, everything he wanted to say got stuck in his throat, everything witty or sweet he had planned throughout his years of waiting was lost deep in his memories, as far away as the moon and stars. Kaworu smiled at him and kissed him on his forehead.

"Let's go..." he said quietly, "You're mother is waiting.."

Kaworu started walking, and Shinji followed his lead.

"Why do you like me, Kaworu, I am a pessimist.

Kaworu laughed lightly.

"That is as silly a question as the albino one. There will always be people who need to save people, just as there will always be people who need to be saved, you are one of those people, and I am the one who wants to save you.."

It was silent for a moment.

"..what I'm trying to say is...you can't help who your heart loves."

_Loves...?_

Shinji was happy in a way he hadn't been in years. Shinji smiled fondly at Kaworu, but he was still speechless. There was so mush he wanted to say, but he couldn't swallow the lump blocking his voice, so they walked together in silence, but they each knew that the other one was happy.

The sun was high above them before they saw another city. It looked very much like Shinji's city, everything had been left in ruin. Clumsily Shinji stumbled over the rubble, even Kaworu stumbled once or twice. Shinji walked around the city asking ever pedestrian if they had seen his mother. He was showing the only pictures he had of her, all he could do was hope that she still looked like that, but even so, no one recognized her, and no one looked familiar.

His mother wasn't there, there wasn't even anyone there he knew. Shinji didn't hide his sadness, but he wasn't left that way for long. He sat down on a large rock and stared at the pin Nana had given him, pondering what it could mean, or who it was, and Kaworu sat beside him and kissed him on his head.

"It's only on city, Shinji. And besides, we've only traveled for a few hours which means the cities aren't far apart. If no one you know is here then they could simply be four hours that way." His finger pointed to the west.

Shinji smiled weakly at Kaworu, wanting to please him with a real smile, but he really had his hopes up, he really wanted to find his mother here.

"HEEEEEEYYY!" the voice made Shinji jump to his feet.

_It couldn't be..._

He looked around frantically, but couldn't find the owner of the voice until he felt someone jump onto his back.

"Touji!!"

"Whassup Shinji?! I never thought I'd see you again!!"

"I've only been one town over! Why didn't you come look for me?"

"I could ask you the same thing, jerk!"

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Sure, a few years to late." Another voice rose and laugh his attention, and Shinji couldn't help but laugh when he saw the familiar glasses shine in the light.

"Oh my God, Kensuke?!"

Kensuke came down and joined them, but before he could express his happiness Touji spoke.

"Hey Shinji, who's he?"

"Oh! This is Kaworu."

"Kaworu Nagisa." He introduced himself properly with a sly smile.

"He's my sanity." Shinji added.

"I'm Kensuke, and he's Toji, forgive him, he's a barbarian without manners. Here! Everyone gather around while we are still happy and excited to be around each other! Hey you!" Kensuke pulled his Polaroid camera from around his neck and handed it to a stranger, asking them to take a picture of them all, and then he ran over to join the group.

Kaworu wrapped his arm around Shinji's waist, Touji wrapped his arm around his neck, and Kensuke jumped onto his back. Everyone was laughing and falling over just as the stranger took the picture. Kensuke ran up and thanked the guy for taking the picture and he began shaking the photograph, trying to quicken the process of it showing itself.

"I'm so glad that I saved this thing!" Kensuke said about his camera, to no one in particular.

Shinji was so happy he was laughing, he hadn't laughed in so many years, defiantly not like this, and he felt that he owed it all to Kaworu. He would have never had the courage to leave his ruined house if Kaworu hadn't given him the strength. Shinji smiled over at him, and he returned it happily.

"So what made you come here, Shinji?" Touji asked, interrupting Shinji and Kaworu's silent conversation.

"My mother. I've come looking for my mother. Have you seen her? Or even Asuka or Rei? Have you seen anyone familiar?"

Kensuke looked over at the sound of Asuka's name, he has had a crush on her since they were children, Shinji didn't understand why. She was so a terribly mean person.

"Yes," Kensuke said finally, "But not in about three years. Yui wanted to move on, Rei wanted to stay with Yui, and Asuka wanted a change of scenery."

_So she's not here..._

Despite how happy he was to be with his friends, he couldn't help but mourn the fact his mother wasn't here. Kaworu watched Shinji sadly, hoping that he would learn to be more optimistic.

"Then we will just have to move on." Shinji said, and Kaworu smiled relieved at his optimism.

"Oh, come on! Why don't you stay for a while?!" Touji argued, "I've been stuck with his moron for five years, please, SAVE ME!"

"HEY!"

"I don't know..."

"Just for the night?" Kensuke asked, shooting an evil stare at Touji for calling him a moron.

Shinji looked over at Kaworu, hoping that he would do something to help him or give him an answer, but he simply smiled at Shinji.

"All right, just tonight though."

"Sweeicked!" it's not what they actually said, but that's what Shinji heard.

"Come on then! I'll show you our home sweet home."

Everyone followed Touji, but it was surprisingly quiet. Kensuke was fiddling with the photograph, Kaworu watched the city move around him, and something was bothering Touji, and Shinji didn't talk because he knew exactly what was bothering Touji.

After a few minutes of silent walking they arrived at a windblown shack.

"Here it is!" Touji stated in a matter-of-fact kind of voice.

Everyone followed him inside. There were a ton of blankets on the floor, a case of food, a few gallons of water, and a stack of photos in the corner. It was sloppy, but it was cozy.

Touji and Kensuke flopped down anywhere on the blankets, throwing themselves like rag dolls on the floor. Shinji scanned the ground for a good spot and sat down, Kaworu sat beside him.

"Where did you meet up with this goof, Nagisa?" Kensuke broke the long silence.

"The first time we met we didn't speak, but it was by the fountain in the center of the city."

"I remember that old fountain!" Kensuke exclaimed. "Do people still throw a fortune of change in it?

Kaworu smiled gently and shook his head.

"I used to take Hikari there everyday." Touji said, his eyes to the ground.

It was quiet again.

"Where...is she..?" Touji said very sadly, trying to hide it, but failing terribly.

Shinji knew the question was coming, thought he didn't want it to. The air grew thick, it was hard to speak, a feeling that made everyone slip into a silent depression, even Kaworu's red eyes grew sad and wondered to the ground.

"She...ummm...well...but nobody..." there was a long silence before Shinji finished, "...survived. She died on that day...I'm...sorry Toji..."

Touji was starring at the ground, unblinking. His eyes glazed over and his voice was small and cracking.

"I...lost hope that you were alive too Shinji... y'know...and when I saw you...I just thought..'maybe she's ok'...maybe I still have a chance to be with her."

Touji was to proud to let them see him cry, so his head dropped, his face shadowed.

"For so many months I was depressed...I couldn't help but wonder...how the world still turned without her."

His voice trailed. Everyone knew that they should say something, but Shinji and Kensuke also knew that if they tried to help he would get violently defensive.

"I'm sorry.." It was all Shinji could think to say, and everyone seemed pretty willing to leave it at that.

Shinji and Kaworu moved over closer to Kensuke and started looking through his stack of photos as Kensuke looked through the stack Shinji had in his bag.

"Can I have this one?" Shinji asked. It was a picture of Kensuke, Rei, and him being pushed on the swings by his mother.

"Only if I can have this one!" It was a picture of him and Asuka at a neighborhood picnic all the mothers were throwing.

They went back and forth for a while, trading photos while Kaworu looked through them, smiling happily at how silly everyone was as children, but another voice broke through.

"Let me see those ones, Kensuke." Touji said quietly, Kensuke handed them over.

They were pictures of Touji and Hikari that Shinji had kept so he could always remember the two of them. There was one when they were little playing happily in the sandbox at the park, and there was one when they were toddlers and Hikari pushed Touji down and made him cry, and there was one that was only days before the accident. Touji and Hikari were smiling and holding hands in front of the wishing fountain. They looked so happy, it made Shinji so sad, he felt so guilty.

"I'm so sorry." Shinji said.

"It was your father, Shinji, not you, don't you ever apologize for Gendo." Touji said in a stern voice, his eyes never leaving the picture.

Everyone grew increasingly uncomfortable as Touji stared at the photographs, everyone was waiting for him to start crying again, but they weren't expecting what he did next. He began to laugh, loud and happy.

"She was so tough, y'know. She could always take care of herself and everyone around her. Remember when we were little and she beat up Asuka for calling us names?"

"Yeah! She was the only person who would ever stand up to her."

Everyone laughed and joked away the awkwardness, telling stories of when they were little and all the great things Hikari did for them, but Kaworu couldn't help but speak up.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I must compliment you Touji! You are the only other person I've met who can laugh because it happened rather then cry because it's over. Not many people have that trait."

Touji smiled brightly at him.

"I wish you could have met her, Kaworu! She was fantastic! Always taking control and taking car of everyone around her, even if they were strangers! She was well on her way to being the next Yui! Smart, responsible, powerful, and beautiful."

"Wow, you're right Touji, she really was a lot like my mother!"

"I suppose there should be one in every generation." Kensuke laughed.

"She does sound amazing." Kaworu said smiling.

Shinji smirked at Kaworu. he always knew how to cheer people up, even if he had only known them for a couple of hours.

"Do you want these ones?" Kensuke interrupted Shinji thoughts, "I's not even sure how I got them in the first place." He handed them to Shinji, who looked at them curiously.

One was of him and his mother. She was wearing a beautiful sundress and a matching hat, the wind blowing gently, and Shinji was only a child. She was holding him high off of the ground, and he was holding her close. There was something refreshing about seeing such a happy toddler in the arms of his smiling mother. It made him so happy and sad at the same time, you know those moments when if you let into your emotions you would be crying and smiling at the same time. Slowly he shifted to the next picture and it was the one that they had taken earlier that day, and thought it may sound strange there were a few little details that would haunt Shinji's heart forever. He looked so happy, right in the center of people who loved him. It was almost symbolic in a way...one of those things that you look to when you feel cold and alone. It was still strange for Shinji to see himself smile, less then a week ago all he wanted was to die, but now that he was no longer blind he only wanted to live.

_Miracles do exist,_ he thought happily to himself, looking at both of the pictures in his hands. _and I have proof..._ he smiled over at Kaworu, the one person who could take the credit for Shinji's being here, for saving his life.

_...who else can heal the blind...?_

Shinji tucked his photos safely into his bag and turned to face his friends. Touji was showing pictures to Kaworu who was laughing at all of the happiness and silliness in the memories, he really seemed to be enjoying himself, which is what led Kensuke to ask one question.

"I don't understand, Kaworu. How can you get so much happiness out of someone else's memories?"

"It is nice to see pleasant memories still exist in this world, God knows that my memories aren't..." Kaworu stopped while he was ahead, he spoke without thinking. "So how did you two end up in this city?" he asked Touji and Kensuke, and they started laughing and telling the story of how they arrived here.

Shinji could hardly hear what they were saying. All of his attention was on Kaworu. Why was he so uncomfortable with talking about himself..why were his memories so terrible? Shinji knew that he was uncomfortable, however, so he would just ask Kaworu tomorrow, when no one else was around.

"...threw a rock at a rabid mongoose!!"

The line caught Shinji's attention so he started listening here. Everyone laughed hard and loud, Shinji didn't understand why, but he joined in.

When the sun went down, they were hiding inside of blankets, preparing themselves for bed.

"It's been cold lately." Kensuke stated the obvious in a tired voice.

"Then shut your eyes, cover up with more blankets, and shut the hell up." Touji said, agitated by sleep, which was taunting him.

"y'know, technically if I was to keep talking the heat from my breath would heat-"

"If you want to keep breathing you'll shut yer damn mouth, Kensuke!"

This time he listened. Shinji closed his eyes and tried not to laugh.

It really was cold though, and the ground was freezing. It could have only been forty degrees outside. Shinji instinctively moved closer to the warmest thing around him. Kaworu. Shinji curled close to him, taking in his scent and stealing his warmth. Kaworu soothed his soul and made him feel safe, it only took a few minutes for Shinji to slipped into dreaming.

He was sitting at a small, homey house, at a dark wood dining table. He looked around fondly, admiring how cozy it was. It had stone walls and wooden floors, it was beautiful as well as comforting.

"Tea?"

Shinji turned and faced his mother who was holding a tea pot and a tray of cookies. Quickly Shinji stood and took the tray from her and pulled out her chair for her.

"Here mother let me help you."

He sat the tray onto the table and smiled sweetly at her, and she smiled gently at him and sat down. Shinji sat opposite of her. He couldn't help but smile at her, he was so happy to be near her, just the feeling of her being this close makes him want to sleep forever, and if it wasn't for Kaworu he would.

"My baby is so polite!" She said happily.

Shinji smiled and took a bite of his cookie, taking a drink of tea to wash it down.

"So how has your day been, Shinji?"

He swallowed quickly. "I met up with Touji and Kensuke! I couldn't believe they were still alive! I was so happy. Kaworu seemed to like them too."

"Touji and Ken! Wow, it's been so long! Three years now, I think. How are they?"

"They are fine, they've been living with each other for the past five years, but I had to tell Toji about Hikari."

"Yeah, she was a nice girl...it was a shame that she had to die..."

Shinji took a big swig of his tea before looking at his mother confused.

"How did you know she was dead?"

Her hands paused, her cup resting on her lips. She closed her eyes and smiled gently as she took a sip of tea.

"We're running out of time, do you have that pin I asked Nana to give you?"

"Yes..."

"Good, you're a bright boy, you got your brains and your looks from me, so you will figure it out soon. Please, come with me before it is to late." She stood and started walking, Shinji followed behind her.

He watched the stone hallway and everything on it. There were photos of memories when there was no camera around. They made him smile, but he didn't have the time to stop and reminisce, he had to keep up with his mother. As they were leaving the living room he could hear a fire crackling behind him in the fire place, but he didn't turn to watch it dance in the darkness, he simply walked out the front door. He found himself in the field of flowers again, the angel in the distance had moved a little closer now.

"Can you hear him Shinji...?"

He listened closely.

**_"...me...ect...you."_**

"I still can't...mother what is he saying?"

"Listen closely darling."

**_"...me...ect...you."_**


	4. Ode to Joy Chapter 4

**_"angel in dream"_**

**_Disclaimer:_** _I do not own Tamogachi(s)_

_Chapter 4:_

* * *

"You!" 

"What?" Shinji was violently shaken into consciousness.

"Don't make me hurt you! Get up Shinji." It was Touji.

"Whoa, what did I miss?" Shinji sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He looked around at everyone. They were all wide awake and smiling.

"What's the occasion guys?" Shinji asked yawning.

"We're not letting you leave until the sun comes up, so you have to spend what's left of the darkness with us." Kensuke replied.

"That sounds...threatening. Like a vampire or something." Touji laughed at Kensuke, who turned and began hissing like a creature of the night.

"So what do you want to do?" Shinji asked, fully awake now.

"Breakfast!" Touji and Kensuke said in unison.

"Do you need help 'doing' breakfast?" Kaworu made light of the bad grammar.

"No!" Kensuke said, not catching the joke, "I can do it myself. Are you ready for a breakfast you haven't had in years, boys?"

Kensuke rummaged through the stuff by their food containers and pulled out a frying pan. When he stuck his hand into the food container he pulled out eggs.

"A real breakfast?!" Shinji said, "I haven't had a real breakfast in five years!"

"Good!" Touji said, "Then you can build the fire!"

"I will help him." Kaworu offered, smiling.

"OK, Touji, show them where the wood is."

"Don't tell me what to do, Ken!" Touji replied, despite the argument he was already half way out of the door, Shinji and Kaworu following behind him.

It was pitch black outside, most people would have thought that they had gone completely blind, the only thing lighting the sky was the half moon. Touji led them a few feet behind the shack and bent down to pick up the wood. He threw it at Shinji, he hardly caught it. He threw another at Kaworu, and then he started stacking more in each one of their arms, and then he picked up a stack of his own. He led them back to the front of the shack and dropped his share on the ground a few feet from the door.

"You boys are smart! Arrange the wood and start a fire, chop chop." Touji said, patting them on their shoulders, and he went into the shack before any questions could be asked.

Kaworu got right to work.

"Will you hand me the wood please?" Kaworu asked.

Shinji did what he was asked.

Kaworu stacked the wood into a perfect cone and even found rocks to stack around them so that embers would stay in the circle. After he was satisfied with it he started looking around for something to light the fire.

"Do we need sticks?" Shinji asked.

"The old boy scout way?" Kaworu smiled, "I don't think so. How about we do it the way I was taught?"

Shinji watched him closely as he stood and walked into the shack. After a few moments he returned with the frying pan in his hand. He squatted down and searched for something in the darkness.

"Aha!"

He picked up a rock.

"A rock?" Shinji was curious.

"Just watch"

He turned the pan over the logs and quickly brushed the rock across the back of the pan. A frenzy of sparks flew everywhere.

"Whoa."

"Impressive, ne?" Kaworu said, smiling.

"I thought that only worked if both objects are metal." Shinji stated, still amazed.

"You learn something new everyday." Kaworu replied, smiling.

He brushed the rock across the pan again. The sparks lit up the darkness, shining like fireflies, setting a soft glow on Kaworu's face. He ran the rock across one more time, but this time he blew on the smoking wood and slowly the glowing embers turned to flames that engulfed the logs one by one.

"All right here are the matche- Whoa." Kensuke starred at the flame, matches in his hand. He was obviously shocked to see that they had managed to set the fire without help. Touji walked out behind him.

"Well, Touji told us to start the fire." Shinji said, smiling up at Kensuke.

"We had matches, dumb shit! I didn't think you would take me seriously." Touji laughed.

Kensuke threw the matches over his shoulder, not caring where they landed, he would find them later. He centered himself with the fire.

"How did you guys do this? Why is my frying pan out here."

Shinji waved his hands in front of him. "It was all Kaworu."

"Then how?" Kensuke asked Kaworu.

"I just rubbed the rock on the pan and-"

"It made sparks. Cool, I never thought of that before." Kensuke said, impressed.

"My father taught it to me, long ago. It was the only thing he taught me." Kaworu stopped talking, veering out of the conversation.

"What happend--"

"Which way did your friends go?" Kaworu had unknowingly interrupted Shinji.

"I think they were just going one city over," Touji replied, "that way." he pointed his finger to the west.

Shinji grew excited again.

"Asuka said they were going to live there permanently. More room, blah blah." Kensuke said smiling.

"You know..I don't know what you saw in her, Ken. She was a bitch." Touji laughed at him.

"That's not nice, ass hole." Kensuke replied, glareing.

"Well, she was!"

"Do you think she was, Shinji?" Kensuke asked, trying to find someone to agree with him, but he failed.

"Yeah, she really was, Ken." Shinji agreed, smirking.

There was silence for a moment before Kensuke spoke up again.

"Touji never helped! He was always mean right back to her. Do you remember the time you pulled down your pants in front of her!"

They all started laughing loudly.

"That wasn't mean! That was hilarious!!" Shinji said between laughs.

"Yeah, besides, she started it!"

"I am quite sure that she didn't pull her pants down first, Touji!" Kensuke argued.

"No, but she was being a bitch, and that is the moral of this story!" Touji said.

"I think Ken just wants a girl who _will_ kick his ass." Shinji said, laughing.

"Shinji! Your even cussing! Was I the only one who saw good in her?" Kensuke said, defeated.

"Yes." They both replied at the same time.

"Do you even remember her Kensuke? She used to pick on Shinji and make him feel like shit just because he was better at things then she was."

"But she was so nice...and thoughtful...and beautiful!"

"We are NOT talking about the same Asuka!" Touji argued.

"Shut up! Your egg is done!" He unwrapped plates from a blanket beside him and went to hand it to Touji, but right when his hand was next to it Kensuke handed it to Kaworu.

"Here! And here is a fork." Kensuke handed him the fork.

"Where did you get these dishes?" Shinji asked, starring at the plates.

"I found it when we got here." Kensuke replied, putting another egg on a plate and handing it to Shinji, doing the same for himself, and then Touji.

Shinji wanted to eat quickly, he was very hungry, but he ate slow, enjoying the taste. The last time he had eggs it was his least favorite food on the plate. Bacon, biscuits, gravy, hasbrowns, toast, and sausage. That was truly a banquet...how sad it is that now an egg looks like a feast.

Shinji was pulled from his thoughts when he felt something in his bag. In the soft light of the fire he saw that it was Kaworu. He was digging through the food and he pulled out bread and fruit, handing one to each person.

"I love you, Kaworu." Kensuke said with his mouth full of bread.

"Better me then Asuka, or so it sounds." Touji and Shinji started laughing. No one expected Kaworu to join into the joking.

After everyone was done eating they all handed their plates to Kensuke.

"Not it!" all three of them said at the same time.

"Damn it." Kensuke said, accepting defeat.

Instead of starting off though everyone remained around the fire. Shinji leaned back on his hands and starred up at the sky. The horizon was turning purple, indicating that the sun was going to come up soon, but Shinji's mind wandered to his dream.

"Are you ok, Shinji?" Kaworu asked.

He hadn't realized that he had looked so distressed.

"Yeah..."

_That didn't sound believable. Come on Shinji, you can't bother them with your worries._

"What are you thinking about, kid?" Touji asked.

There was a long pause.

"Do you think it is possible to contact someone in your sleep?" Shinji asked, finally.

"Sure, if they're dead." Kensuke replied without thought.

'That was a quick reply...and it's not what I wanted to hear.'

"Only if they're dead?" Shinji repeated in a questioning voice.

"That's what I believe." Kensuke shrugged.

Shinji starred at the fire. It was dying down, barely even a flame.

"So what will you do when you find her?" Touji asked.

Shinji looked up at him. Touji knew what he was thinking, and it didn't surprise Shinji at all. They were best friends growing up, they knew everything about each other.

"I don't know." Shinji said in reply, smiling after the long silence, "My first goal is to find her."

"Don't worry, I know you will." Touji smiled at him.

_there it is' Shinji thought 'Exactly what Kaworu was talking about. The difference between optimist and pessimist._

"I wish I could be like you guys." Shinji said, looking at all of his companions, everything and everyone bathed in the dim light of the rising sun.

"Like us?" Kensuke questioned.

"Yes. I wish I was optimistic and out going, I would love to be good at something, let alone everything, or to be strong enough to take care of myself."

"I wish I were more like you." Kaworu said. This confused Shinji. Kaworu was perfect and good at everything, Shinji didn't understand why he would ever want to be like him. he was a screw up.

"You have so many friends!" Kaworu spoke, "And more over you keep them! If I lose contact with a friend I forced myself to forget them. It leaves me alone in the end. I do not like to say my sins aloud, but I envy you, Shinji Ikari."

_The idea that someone so perfect could-_

"Wish I were like you too, Shinji." Kensuke said. "You have the courage and hope to go and find your mother. I am so much of a pansy that I wont even go one city over to talk to Asuka!"

"You are strong enough to be kind." Touji said, before Shinji could reply to Kensuke. "I am only strong enough to hurt people. That's not something to be proud of. When I see someone I automatically don't like them. I don't even give them a chance to talk to me, but you are everyone's friend, you give everyone a chance, and second chances and third... For lack of a manlier word, Shinji, I admire you."

_How do they see these good things in me? Why can't I see the good things in me?_

"Even if you can't see it Shinji, it doesn't mean others can't."

Shinji turned and looked at Kaworu, it was almost as if he had read his mind. It was curious, how did he know exactly what he was thinking? Shinji brushed it off as a coincidence and faced everyone, smiling gently.

"Thank you all so much. It means more to me then you think."

"It's time for you guys to get going." Kensuke stated. "The sun has come up."

"Obviously." Touji said, squinting at the sunrise.

Everyone stood, ready to say their good-byes.

"Tell Asuka I say 'hi' when you get there, ok?"

"I will Ken." Shinji smiled at him.

Kensuke gets emotional when it comes to good-byes. He cried when his tamogachi died. He didn't want everyone to see him get emotional so he went into the shack. Touji on the other hand hugged Shinji and Kaworu, but they were those hugs that are to painful to handle, when they pound you on your back and knock the wind out of you.

"Tell Mom 'Touji says hi' all right?"

"I will Touji."

"And you, Kaworu, take care of him," he pointed at Shinji, "that's my brother."

Kaworu only smiled, glad that Touji didn't mind his feelings towards Shinji.

"I like him Shinji, break his heart and I'll break you in half." Touji said.

Shinji looked at him a little shock, and he blushed. Touji laughed and pointed his finger to the west.

"Go straight that way, you can't miss it."

"How do you know, Touji?" Shinji asked, smiling.

"We went to a carnival there when we were little, remember?"

"Oh yeah!" Shinji laughed.

Touji opened the shack door and waved back at them.

"Bye guys! Don't forget to drop in-" Kensuke pushed through, past Touji, and he had a big bag on his back. Touji turned and looked into the shack and everything was gone, it was all packed into two bags. One on Kensuke's back, and one sitting on the floor for Touji.

"I'm coming with you!" Kensuke stated.

"You packed my stuff too, Ken?!"

"Well, yeah! You're coming too Touji, now lets go!"

Touji did what he was told, for once, and grabbed the bag on the floor and shut the door behind him.

"All right," He said smiling, "Let's go!"

Everyone tried to keep their cool, they didn't want the other ones to pick on them for being happy and excited for the adventure and for the long missed company, but they all failed...horribly. They could only take a few steps before laughing loudly.

And luckily for Kensuke they got out of the city without saying good-bye to anyone.

"Are we there yet?!" Kensuke asked, complaining.

"We've only been walking for an hour Ken!" Touji said, not hiding his agitation.

"But my feet hurt!"

"You say that again and I'll wring your neck."

"But my bag's heavy!"

"So's ours Ken."

"But--"

"I will KILL you Ken!"

Silence.

Shinji's eyes were on the ground. He always got reclusive when Touji exploded, even though Touji always said that he had taught him better then that. Like he said, they are brothers. Almost every day Touji had to tell Shinji to keep his head up, and he should have listened. At this moment, because he wasn't looking up, he didn't see Touji and Kaworu silently plotting against him.

Touji was smiling, but he punched his own hand and mouthed 'Should I hit him?'

Kaworu shook his head.

Touji pretended to snap his fingers mouthing his displeasure. Then he pointed at Kaworu. He smiled slightly. Touji nodded.

Gently he placed a hand on each side of Shinji's face and kissed him gently. Shinji blushed brightly, but he returned it nonetheless. After a moment they broke it off.

"Chin up, eyes straight ahead." Kaworu said, smiling. Shinji nodded once.

On." Kensuke watched them, Touji glared. "I didn't know."

"You're so stupid!!" Touji said to Kensuke. "You've know Shinji your whole life too, if you didn't notice then you're dumber then I thought!!"

Everyone laughed it off, and Shinji couldn't stop smiling, and his eyes stayed straight ahead.

The sun was high in the sky before they stopped walking. They sat in a circle and pulled bread from their bags, and Kensuke passed out the water.

"It feels like we've been walking forever!"

"It's only been a few hours, Ken." Shinji replied, laughing.

"It's not far now." Touji said, his mouth full of bread.

"I'm excited to meet your friends! You all talk so fondly of them." Kaworu smiled.

"I can't wait to see Yui again!" Touji stated.

Shinji's heart raced at the sound of her name.

"I can see you can't wait either, Shinji." Touji laughed, "Eat!" He threw a piece of bread at Shinji. He looked at it for a moment before taking a bite.

Shinij made everyone laugh several times just as they were sitting there eating. He was antsy and excited, he just couldn't wait to see his mother. he had waited five years to see her again, just to hold her and hug her, to hear her laugh, he had waited so long and now she was so close!

"Hey, Shinji, something fell out of your pocket." A lot of good it did for Kensuke to tell him, Shinji didn't get the chance to look at it before Kensuke picked them up.

"Where did you get the quater? It is brand new." Kensuke said, looking at it in the light.

Shinji blushed as he looked back at Kaworu, he was hoping to hide the coin from him. He felt silly knowing that he kept it. The first time he saw Kaworu, that night, they didn't talk, he found this quater in his bed instead of the fountain. Judging by the look Kaworu was giving him he had put it there, but that didn't make any sense. How did he put it in his bed when he had already flipped it into the fountain, he saw it, he had never thought of it before.

"Where did you get the angel pin, Shinji?" Touji asked, taking it from Kensuke's hand.

Shinji had to snap himself out of his head, and his eyes away from Kaworu.

"It was my mother's." He smiled gently while watching the pin gleam in the light. Shinji extended his hand, silently asking for it back, but instead of giving it back Kensuke took it and examined it closely.

"You know who it looks like?" Kensuke asked.

No one answered.

"Maybe I would if you gave it to me." Touji said.

"Wait, look." Kensuke held it up next to Kaworu. "It looks like him, doesn't it? Maybe if his hair was a little longer?"

Touji leaned in and looked as well. "Wow, it really does! Kaworu I knew there was something about you!" Touji said, half joking. "You are selfless, good at everything, and you are a shirt pin."

"Well, of course!" Kensuke said, "He's God sent!" Kensuke laughed lightly.

"Who told you?" Kaworu asked.

Everyone laughed at the joke, well, everyone except Kaworu. This caught Shinji's attention, and his alone. Something was bothering him, there was just something about Kaworu, something he couldn't put his finger on. After a moment Kaworu could feel Shinji's eyes on him, and for that reason he joined Kensuke and Touji in the remainder of their laughter.

_Could it be...that Kaworu isn't joking? Mom said that I would figure out what the pin meant, could it be Kaworu?_

After a half hour of eating and joking in their circle they packed up and started on their way. They only walked for a few minutes before they came across their first obstacle. It was the steepest hill Shinji had seen in his life.

"Guys, do you realize that if this hill was any steeper it would be a ninety degree angle?" Shinji stated, looking up at it.

"If you need motivation the next city is just on the other side of this hill." Touji said, not hiding his smile.

Shinji got excited again.

"Then what are you guys waiting for? Let's go." Shinji started up the hill, everyone else following behind him.

It took them a few minutes but they got up the hill, and they found that Touji wasn't exaggerating at all. When Shinji stood on top of the hill he was starring down into the next city. Shinji turned and looked at Touji.

"We were THIS close?"

"I told you we were close!" Touji said laughing.

"Well, he never said how close." Kaworu smiled.

It had taken exactly seven and a half minutes to get up the hill, but it didn't take any time at all to get back down it. Shinji had started running before Kensuke had even gotten the view from the top.

Shinji was at least kind enough to wait at the bottom for everyone to join him. They all looked around, it was the biggest city Shinji had been in, but surprisingly there were a lot fewer people.

"This place is HUGE!" Kensuke stated the obvious.

"How're going to find everyone?" Touji said, "It looked so much smaller when the carnival was in town." Touji said, half reminiscing.

"Come on Touji, don't talk that way. Shinji had a bright smile on his face, looking around the city.

Kaworu smiled at the fact that Shinji was being the optimistic one.

"We made it here, Touji, and that's more then any of us has accomplished in five years." Shinji said. You could hear the excitement in his voice.

"It's not often that you are the one giving the pep talk, Shinji." Kensuke said, smirking around, you could tell he was excited to see Asuka.

"Now how are we going to go about finding your friends?" Kaworu asked.

It was quiet for a moment before Shinji got an idea and he cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Mother!! Rei!!!!" he started screaming.

Everyone laughed, not expecting Shinji, the quiet one, to start screaming.

"Rei! Mommy!!!" Touji joined in with Shinji.

"Asuka!!" Kensuke yelled.

Kaworu laughed and joined in with them.

They paraded through the rubble screaming their friend's names until finally someone answered.

"Shinji?"

It was a tiny, shy voice and it caught everyone's attention. Slowly Rei walked out from around a building. She had a shocked look on her face, her red eyes looked confused. her blue hair sat just below her shoulder's now, and she had grown up so much, it brought a smile to Shinji's face.

"Rei? Rei! Oh, sis, I've missed you!" Shinji was so happy. She stopped moving slowly now and she ran up to him, hugging him tightly, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close.

"Oh Rei I've missed you." And he kissed her on the top of her head.

Kaworu smiled happily, but he looked a little confused, Touji caught this and started explaining.

"Yui was like a mother to me and Rei. All I had was my father, and Rei's parents were dead beat. We were raised as brothers and she was raised as our sister."

Kaworu understood now. Rei pointed over and Touji and Kensuke.

"Oh my, I haven't seen you two in years!" She said, smiling gently.

"Awwwll sis, you still have such a small voice!" he picked her up and shook her around. Everyone laughed at the sight. It wasn't often that you saw Shinji this happy, everyone enjoyed it greatly.

When he did put Rei down she walked over and hugged Touji and Kensuke.

"So where is Asuka?" Kensuke asked her.

"Oh...you don't want to see her." She replied, looking sad.

"Ummm... yeah, I really do."

"She...hasn't been very nice lately. She has been.. horrible for that matter. I think she is starting to lose her mind..."

"Why? What happened..?"

"A lot of people can't handle what's going on around us, Ken."

She didn't want to continue with that conversation, so she moved on to her next question, as she looked over at Kaworu.

"Oh, hello. Who are you?" She smiled gently and walked over to him.

"My name is Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa. It is my pleasure to meet you." He said, introducing himself properly.

"Hello, my name is--"

"REI! Who was yelling?!" Another voice rung out from around the building Rei walked around.

A figure walked out around now. Kensuke took a picture instantly. Touji rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

It was Asuka.

She was taller now, and her hair was longer. She looked rather mean, like she was in a bad moo, but the most shocking thing about her was this large gash on her face, like she had been stabbed. Shinji had this feeling that it would only make her angrier if he asked about it, but he already knew that Touji didn't care.

Asuka starred at them, confused for a moment.

"How did you guys get here?" She asked, Kensuke jumped on her, she pushed him off.

"I've come for you Asuka!" Kensuke said, love struck.

"I ran away from you, remember?" She replied, it was a buzz kill. "Oh, hey, look. Shinji is still alive."

Kaworu watched her closely, he didn't like her tone of voice, and all of the bad things he had heard about her didn't help either.

"Yeah." Shinji replied to her. "I'm sure you're wishing you had prayed louder now."

She laughed.

_Witch_

"I never wished you were dead, Shinji, geeze." She replied after he laugh. "Wow, sense when did you get good taste in friends?" she asked, looking at Kaworu. She, like most others, had been taken in by his striking features.

She walked up to him.

"Hello, my name is Asuka, but I'm sure you've heard a lot about me."

"Nothing good." Kaworu smirked at her.

"What?!" She glared at everyone else.

"I always said good things about you, Asuka!" Kensuke stated. She ignored him.

"You guys talk bad about me, after everything I did for you as kids?"

"Oh no! How could we? After all those terrible things you did and blamed on us, after all of those fights you caused, and name calling. After all of the dreams you broke and dreams you smashed, how could we say awful things about **YOU** Asuka?!!!" Touji said sarcastically, his arms still crossed, and a glare in his eyes.

"Shut up Touji, I never liked you."

"Oh thank you Jesus for doing that for me! Finally, something we can agree with! The feeling is mutual."

"After all these years of not seeing me, the first thing your dumb ass is going to do is start a fight with me?"

"Damn right, bitch."

"Would you two **stop it**!" Shinji demanded.

Everyone stopped and looked at him, shocked.

"Oh, Shinji, when did you grow a pair?" Asuka couldn't let sleeping dogs lay. She always had to be in a fight, and Touji didn't help by making her angry.

"I didn't come here for you, Asuka." Shinji said, just trying to avoid a fight. His mother always told him to be nice to her because she had a rough life. "Where is mother?"

Asuka smirked "Oh, you just missed her." She pointed to the west. "She's that-a-way."

Shinji smiled brightly, his heart pounding quickly. He was excited again. After five years she was so close, and there was nothing anyone could do to keep them apart. He started running in the direction Asuka pointed. He didn't notice everyone following behind him. He couldn't hear Rei yelling for him to stop, he didn't even notice the little grin Asuka had on her face. He just kept running. He had waited so long, nothing could stop him now. He was so close. So close to his mother's beautiful face, and eyes, her voice. He just wanted to hold her and never let her go. He could live happily with her and Kaworu and himself living in this city together, until the end of their days. With every step he took and every beat of his heart he grew more and more confused with the world. He didn't understand how the world kept spinning without her.

Finally Shinji arrived at the edge of the city, but he must have done something wrong, he must have had to turn someone where.

He found himself standing in a graveyard.

Despite the depressing feeling that came with being in a graveyard Shinji still smiled. Everyone finally caught up with him, and they stood around him, trying to catch their breath. Asuka snickered, her eyes hardly looking human any more.

"Where's mother?" Shinji asked Rei.

"Brother, I'm sorr--"

"You just missed her." Asuka interrupted her.

"Wh-what do you mean?" Shinji asked, his smile slowly fading.

"You missed her." Asuka repeated, "She was here about two weeks ago."

"Well...where is she now?" Shinji felt like he was suffocating, his heart slowed almost to a halt.

"Asuka, why do you have to be so mean... Shinji..." Rei was in tears, "I'm... so sorry... mother... she she- she died." She covered her tear ridden eyes.

Shinji was in shock. He wanted to run away, but his legs were to heavy. He wanted to scream, but he was suffocating. He wanted to cry, but he was numb.

"You're..." he tried to speak "You're lying!"

Rei couldn't look at him, she couldn't handle it. Her eyes remained on the ground as she shook her head and she pointed to the west, she was pointing at a grave. Shinji used all of his strength to move. He walked slowly and wearily to the grave, feeling as if he were asleep. The grave was still so fresh that the grass hadn't even grown over the turned dirt. Shinji looked at the gravestone and his legs buckled, he fell to his knees. Gently he traced the engravement, praying that it was an illusion, praying that it wasn't real.

"**Yui Ikari**:  
_Beloved Widow  
__Beloved Mother  
__Beloved Neighbor  
__Beloved Angel_"

His heart stopped, he could feel a sharp pain shoot through his chest, but still he didn't cry.

"What... happened?" He heard himself say. Now Touji and Ken were crying along with Rei, but they tried to hide it, not trying to make things worse.

"People lose their minds..." Rei said in her small voice, " They get into groups, gangs ... cults. They get violent ... so easily. One man bumped into Asuka two weeks ago and they didn't apologize. Asuka turned and smarted off to the person. He turned and hit her, knocking her into glass. That is why that gash is on her face. Yui..." she had to stop and catch her breath, whimpering weakly, for the first time Asuka looked sad, her arms crossed, her eyes cold, but Rei continued, "Yui jumped between them before he could get to her again. He was a member of one of those ... cults, and when his partners saw that there was trouble they joined him. They..."

"They beat her to death." Asuka finished the sentence, not looking at anyone.

The sound of that made Shinji physically sick.

Kaworu looked as if he would cry, even though he never knew Yui, he could feel Shinji's heart breaking.

"Suck it up, Shinji." Asuka said coldly. She never thought it was right for people to show weakness, she made that apparent every time she beat Shinji up as a child, but now wasn't the time. Shinji ignored her comment, but Kaworu couldn't.

"What makes you think that you are any better then anyone else? What gives you the audacity to order everyone else around?" He stated, it was a frightening thing to see Kaworu angry.

"Shut up, you albino freak, it's none of your business what I say to them. I am the oldest now, it is my job to make him strong. Yui was a fool for making him so weak in the first place."

No one even saw Shinji move, but he did. He broke down all of his barriers when he punched her in her face, knocking her to the ground. His body was trembling, his heart was aching, tears were streaming.

"What's wrong with you?" he yelled down at her. She opened her mouth to talk back but Shinji stopped her. "Shut up! _**SHUT UP ASUKA**_! You have been talking your whole life. Now you will shut up and listen!"

Everyone was shocked to see this happening, everyone was a little scared. There is no one to fear more then the one with nothing to lose, and at that moment that was Shinji.

"Your parents hated you. They hated you with every ounce of their hearts, and my mother took you in. She fed you, and gave you a home, a bed, she kept you safe, and all you did was _BITCH_ and moan. My mother would have sold her soul for any one of us, even you! But you never believed her! You never loved her back, but now you have proof!" He pointed at the headstone, his tears wouldn't stop. "She died for you, and what do you do in return? You call her a fool! For five years all I wanted was my mother. you had her this whole time. And still she kept you safe and warm, and then you opened your big mouth, and you stole her from me!" He held his head for a moment, it felt like it was going to explode. "I always knew your mouth was going to get someone hurt.. but why her?! Why Yui?! Why my mother! What did she ever do wrong? Why did she ever care about you...?" he was yelling again, "Damn it... DAMN IT ASUKA!! I would give anything to take my mother's place, but I would give everything for you to."

Shinji turned his back on her, facing his mothers headstone again he fell to his knees. His body shook, his heart was ripping, his tears were streaming. Slowly he ran his fingers over his mother's engraved name, over and over, trying to find an error..trying to prove it wrong.

Everyone else was quiet, completely speechless. Shinji never got mad, he only got sad. None of them had ever even heard him yell before.

Kensuke and Rei helped Asuka to her feet and they walked her back into the city, far away from Shinji. The last thing they needed was her opening her mouth and making Shinji angry and start a fight. Yeah. That's all they needed.

Touji and Kaworu remained there with Shinji. They kneeled on each side of him, but he didn't seem to notice.

"I'll never know ... will I..." Shinji whispered to no one in particular.

"Know what...?" Touji asked, starring at the headstone.

"... how the world is still turning..."

Kaworu was broken, he felt helpless and foolish. He didn't know what to do. Gently he placed his hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"The pin..."

Both Kaworu and Touji were looking at him, he was talking quietly to himself, they could hardly hear him. Slowly he pulled the pin from his pocket and he held it up to the headstone.

"It was... it was her. She was trying to tell me ... that she had died..." his voice trailed off at the end, it was hard for him to admit that it was over. "That is how she knew about Hikari and..." he looked over at Kaworu.

Kaworu didn't know what to do. What could he do? Touji and he didn't even understand what Shinji was talking about. Shinji knew they didn't understand, but he had forgotten it was only a dream. He turned his eyes back towards the headstone, and then down at the pin.

"Mom..." he forced a weak smile on his face, "I forgot to tell you... Nana says hi..."

When the sun went down Shinji hadn't moved, neither had Kaworu. Kensuke had just left. One at a time one of them would come to check on Shinji to make sure everything was ok, but Kaworu had never left. Kaworu was smiling sadly, the only reason he was smiling at all is because Shinji had finally stopped crying, but he was still so sad. He still felt like he was drowning, like his chest was caving in, like he was dying.

After a few minutes Kaworu accomplished something he had been trying to do for hours. He got Shinji to turn away from the headstone and turn towards Kaworu. They both lay sad, looking up at the stars now.

"Do you believe in Heaven?" Shinji asked suddenly.

Kaworu laughed lightly, as if Shinji had just asked the answer to one plus one.

"Of course there is a Heaven, Shinji, and your mother is happy up there right now."

"What makes you so sure that there is a Heaven?"

"I just know."

"But ... what kind of God would--"

"Shinji!" Kaworu interrupted him, looking almost disgusted that Shinji would even question such things. "God loves you. He needed your mother. Trust me, he would have never taken her if he wasn't so sure that you could survive without her now."

Shinji watched him for a moment, he didn't understand why he was getting so defensive ... or why he didn't laugh when they said he was God sent ... or how he made that coin appear in his bed...

"Then why do such bad things happen to me? Does God have a grudge against the weak?" Shinji asked.

"You're not weak, Shinji Ikari, and of course he doesn't hold grudges. He loves you dearly. You just have to know that it will always be terrible before things get better, love."

"Why do you believe in this so strongly..?" Shinji asked, low on faith.

Kaworu was silent for a long time. He wanted so badly to tell him, perhaps it would bring back his faith. Perhaps it would cheer him up. But what if it didn't? He watched Shinji for a long time, admiring him dearly. He sighed deeply and looked into his eyes.

"I'm..." Kaworu stopped, struggling with himself. He didn't know if he should tell him, what he would do. He wanted so badly to tell him, he wanted to share everything with Shinji.

"I'm an angel."

It was quiet for a long moment. Shinji thought back to his dream. His mother kept saying Kaworu was an angel, he even saw his wings, but it was just a dream. It couldn't be true.

"Prove it." Shinji asked in a quiet voice.

Kaworu sighed again and he looked up to the sky again. "There will always be times when bad things happen to good people, just as there will always be times when good things happen to bad people. If you truly want to make a difference in the world ... be one of those good things that happen to good people."

Shinji was in awe. Word for word it is what his mother said, in the same tone, the same infuses on the same words, the same pause. there was no one else around when his mother said that ... she only ever said it once...

_He's an angel... I can't believe it... I can't believe I was so foolish... to fall in love with an angel._

Shinji started crying again. "So it's true? You're an angel?"

"Please don't cry." Kaworu whispered.

"You're going to leave me."

"Please don't cry."

"You will have to leave me! You will have to go back to Heaven and then you are going to leave me here alone!"

Gently Kaworu put his hands on Shinji's cheeks and wiped away his tears.

"I will not leave you Shinji, I will never leave you. I love you."

"You will have to." Shinji said, trying not to lose his voice.

"Shhhh. No. I promise. Angels are not aloud to sin."

"..." Shinji was quiet, he didn't understand. Kaworu was _perfect_, he _didn't_ sin.

"Do you remember when we were eating breakfast with Touji and Kensuke..?" Kaworu asked

Shinji nodded.

"We told you what we liked about you, and do you remember what I said?"

Shinji thought back, his heart started pounding again.

"You admitted ... that you envy me..."

Kaworu smiled and nodded once. "Now I must live out the remainder of this body's life here on Earth. I'll spend this life with you, and when we die I will spend eternity beside you. I love you Shinji Ikari..." Gently Kaworu pressed his lips on Shinji's. It took all of his pain away, and for a moment everything was ok again.

_I love you..._

After an hour Shinji was curled up to Kaworu, both of them drifting into sleep, but Shinji fought himself, trying to ask Kaworu every question he could before he fell asleep, he wanted to know everything.

"Kaworu."

"Yes?"

"How ... did you die?"

It was quiet, Shinji started to regret asking the question, maybe it was to personal, but it was to late to take it back.

"I'm sorry..." Shinji apologized.

"I froze to death." Kaworu said at last.

Shinji was shocked by this, how brutal.

"Where was your family...?"

"My father was the one who threw me out. He taught me how to build a fire when I was little, and then threw me into a blizzard without metal or wood."

"..and your mother?"

"She ... died. I loved her so much, but she was very sick. She had been fighting cancer her whole life, and she died when I was eleven."

"I'm... so sorry..."

"Don't be." Kaworu's eyes were closed, but his lips turned up into a smile. "When I died I found her in Heaven. She was happy and healthy, always laughing.."

Shinji smiled happily, he knew his mother was there too, laughing with her.

"How old are you now, Kaworu?"

"Sixteen."

"How old were you when you died?"

"Sixteen."

Shinji was confused. "How long have you been an angel..?"

Kaworu thought for a moment. "Ten years...? It doesn't really matter. When you are an angel you don't grow, the only thing that changes is your wisdom."

They were both quiet for a few minutes. It didn't take long for Kaworu's breathing to regulated. His chest moving rhythmically up and down. Shinji only now found the courage to speak what he had meant to say.

"I love you too... Kaworu Nagisa." he whispered, and he slowly fell to sleep.

When his eyes opened he was laying in a soft bed, in a room with dark wooden floors and stone walls. Slowly he sat up and rubbed his eyes. When he looked around he saw his memories framed behind glass and hung on the walls. One in particular caught his attention. He pulled the soft blankets off of him and walked over to it. It was he and Kaworu laying on the ground, right before he fell asleep. Gently he ran his fingers over the glass, it was cold and it left a foggy outline of his fingers where he touched. Maybe these dreams of his ... weren't as fake as he assumed.

"Oh. You're awake!"

Shinji turned and faced his mother. He smiled, both happy and a little sad to see her. She hugged him close.

"Long day?"

"I didn't know..."

"I know.." She replied, "But I wasn't aloud to tell you. Did the pin help..?"

"Actually I thought it was of Kaworu until it was to late."

"I heard that you found out that he was an angel."

"How did you..." Shinji was confused.

"He told you while you guys were at my grave."

"You could hear us?"

"'I'll spend this life with you, and when we die I will spend eternity beside you. I love you Shinji Ikari...' He is such a sweet boy!" she clapped her hands, excited.

"I-I didn't know... people can actually hear us when we talk to them?" Shinji questioned.

"Of course! Did you think you were just talking to a stone when you visited the dead?"

"Well, I assumed."

She laughed, it made Shinji smile. He never thought that he would hear it again. "You'll understand one day." She said to him, "I wish I could show you Heaven! It's so beautiful, baby! And I just made a new friend."

"Really?" Shinji was curious. "What is their name?"

"Her name is Lilly."

"What is her last name?" Shinji asked.

His mother smiled brightly. "Nagisa! I know where he gets his sweetness from now! She is such a nice lady!"

"You've really met her?!"

"She was so excited! She couldn't stop talking about you and Kaworu." She bounced and clapped her hands, she was so happy. She wrapped her arms around Shinji's neck and held him close. "Oh, I love you baby... You know you have your own little slice of Heaven laying next to you on Earth right now?"

Shinji smiled shyly, "Yeah, I know..."

"...you have grown up so much, darling. I have taught you how to give, how to protect, and obviously how to serve a right hook!" She laughed pretending to punch someone.

"You saw that, huh?" Shinji said, he rubbed the back of his head, slightly embarrassed.

"Mmm hmm, and it was about time you gave her what she deserved. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything I ever did for her. But you've needed to get her back your whole life."

They both smiled.

"You know, though, there is still one thing you need to learn to do, Shinji."

He looked confused. "What's that mother?"

"To allow other people to protect you." She smiled gently, "You take the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you don't need to. Don't hold things in so you're not a burden on someone else. Sometimes people are there to help. Sometimes you have to drop your pride and allow yourself to be protected for a change..."

Shinji smiled at the thought. "I will learn, mother, I promise. But I won't let just anyone do it."

"I know, baby."

She looked around.

"Oh dear. You got to bed late, it is already time to get up." She grabbed his hand. "Come on sweet heart, I wonder if you can hear him now."

She led him to the window and opened it up. Kaworu was standing outside, he was so much closer now. Only about eighty feet away.

"Now listen, can you hear him?"

**_"Let me... ct... you."_**

"Can you hear him? He's the perfect one!"

"Mother, I still can't hear him..."

"Listen closely, baby."

**_"Let me... ct... you."_**


	5. Ode to Joy The Final Chapter

_**Ode to Joy Chapter 5, the final chapter**_

Key:  
_**"angel in the dream"**_  
_"Yui"  
"Shinji's thoughts"

* * *

_

Shinji felt a gentle touch on his shoulder which stole him from his dreams. He opened his eyes slowly and tried to focus his eyes in the dim light.

"Brother."

This silhouette was Rei. She was smiling down at him, as gentle as ever.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked him quietly.

Shinji looked at her for a moment, almost like he had forgotten he had found her. He took her arm and pulled her close into a hug. She was startled.

"Mother is dead.." Shinji whispered. Rei froze, both sad and confused, and she pulled back to look Shinji in his eyes. He smiled at her.

".. but she's in heaven, I saw her, she is so happy, Rei."

Rei smiled down at him.

"She is with Kaworu's mom... Lilly." Shinji slowly turned and looked at Kaworu, he was still sleeping. Shinji's heart was warmed by the sight. He could hardly believe such a beautiful angel was sleeping beside him.

"I only came to check on you." Rei said to break the silence.

"How's Asuka?" Shinji asked, failing to hide the laugh in his voice.

Rei laughed lightly and said "She's a changed woman."

"I doubt that." Shinji snickered back.

"I'll leave you be." Rei said smiling gently. "Get some sleep."

She hugged him and turned to leave.

Shinji was laying beside Kaworu starring at his mother's head stone. Only a few hours ago it stole his sanity now he smiles gently at it. His mother was happy now, and he could still see her every night.

_God doesn't hold grudges.._ Shinji finally and silently agreed with Kaworu. He looked over at him, he was still sleeping soundly.

_Things will be bad before they get better.._ Shinji smiled

"How did I not guess he was an angel ... it's so obvious." Shinji whispered to his mother's head stone.

Shinji sat up and continued talking with his mother, but when the sky started to change colors his attention went back to Kaworu. He was beautiful. His silver hair lay a mess, his chest moving gently up and down, his lips were turned up into a smile, even while he slept. It drew Shinji to him. He wanted to tell Kaworu how much he loved him, how much he couldn't live without him. Slowly Shinji moved, hovering over Kaworu's sleeping form. He just starred and admired him for a moment before leaning down and pressing his lips on Kaworu's.

He stirred in his sleep for a second before deepening the kiss, and then breaking it off. Kaworu opened his scarlet eyes slowly, and kissed Shinji one more time.

"Good morning." Kaworu said stretching and smiling.

Shinji returned his smile. "The sky was changing colors and I wanted you to see it.."

Kaworu sat up and looked back at the sky.

"It's the sun rise, I've seen it before.." Kaworu yawned.

Shinji smiled at him. "But it was rising without you, silly. You can't sleep through the dawn of a new day..."

Kaworu smiled fondly back at Shinji and then towards the rising sun.

"Now that you mention it, it does seem more beautiful today." Kaworu said, still smiling.

Shinji's eyes never left Kaworu's face.

"Mmmhmmm." Shinji agreed in a daze. "Beautiful."

Kaworu looked over at Shinji, smiling.

_His smile was more beautiful then the sunrise could ever dream of being.._ Shinji thought to himself.

Shinji didn't even think about the kiss this time, it just felt so.. natural. He needed Kaworu as much as he needed air and food and water. He couldn't imagine a life without his love.

Kaworu blinked once at Shinji, they had kissed several times, he wasn't complaining, but it wasn't like Shinji.

"You're friendly today." Kaworu said, not a fault in his smile.

"I forgot to tell you something yesterday, Kaworu." Shinji only felt happiness when he looked at Kaworu, and his smile made Kaworu very confused.

"And what is that..?" he asked his koibito.

Shinji kissed him one more time.

"I love you." Shinji replied with a calming smile.

Kaworu's smile was the biggest yet, however. It was perfect and undoubting. They hung on to each other's every word, and oh how Kaworu had waited to hear those words. After the way yesterday went Kaworu was sure he would never hear it.

"I.. love you too.." he replied, very relieved, and blushing slightly. He felt something strange, like the world had been removed from his shoulders, or, rather, that Shinji was helping him hold it..

Shinji offered an outstretched hand to Kaworu.

"Let's go." Even the sound of Shinji's voice suggested happiness, it was very refreshing. Amazing.

Kaworu took his hand and together they headed towards the city.

Everyone was sitting an a large pile of rubble in the edge of the city when Shinji and Kaworu finally found them. They came in half way through a conversation.

"Shut up, Ken!!" Touji shoved him off of the pile, they were both laughing. laughing. Rei couldn't breath from laughing so hard, and even Asuka was smiling. Simply the sight of the four of them made Shinji and Kaworu laugh.

"What did we miss?" Shinji asked with the reminisce of laughter in his voice.

"Ken just admitted his undying love for me!" Touji said, laughing. Kensuke pulled himself back up onto the rubble and rested his hand on Touji's leg, not hiding his amusement.

"But Touji! I've loved you since the first time you punched me!!!" he was obviously joking, he couldn't keep a straight face.

"If all it takes for you to love someone is a little abuse then I can see why you love Asuka!" Touji said, smacking Ken's hand when it reached his thigh.

Kensuke looked at him in disbelief for a moment.

The air was thick, it looked like it was going to get ugly.. surly Kensuke wouldn't hit Touji.

Suddenly Kensuke pounced.

"Take me I'm yours!!!" Kensuke laughed, tackling Touji to the ground. Everyone started laughing hysterically.

"Get offa me, ass hole!!" Touji said, laughing too hard to be mincing.

It was at this moment that Shinji realized that he saw the world in a new light. There he stood, laughing with all of his friends, and standing beside the love of his life. Despite all of the sadness and ruins and bad memories around them ... things that used to make Shinji depressed all on it's own ... despite it all.. Shinji was laughing. He was actually happy. Only a week ago Shinji would have never dreamed of being where he is now. He would have never dreamed that h would be with his friends again, he would have never dreamed he would be laughing again.

He had found everything he was looking for, everything he thought he would never have. He found his friends, his love, his mother, and Heaven.

"Ow!"

Suddenly Shinji was pulled from his thoughts when Rei fell down.

"Are you ok?" he asked with a chuckle in his voice.

"I think so.." she said, rubbing the back of her head. She had slipped off of the rubble and hit her head on a jagged rock behind her.

"I don't understand why people haven't cleaned this shit up yet!!" Asuka stated angrily

"Where would they take it?" Kensuke asked, cluelessly.

"They could ... rebuild everything.." she replied.

"No, we don't have the supplies for mortar, and you know mud wouldn't last very long." he argued back.

"Can't we just call someone to the island for help?!!" She asked loudly to the sky, anger in her voice.

"Actually, no." Shinji replied, his eyes on the ground. It was the first time he had frowned all day.

Everyone listened.

"This Island was governed by scientists, like Gendo.." Shinji had to stop for a moment. His name left a nasty taste in his mouth. "Only a few people know about this Island..."

"Surely someone had family out there." Asuka argued.

"No, whole families were moved here, the scientists didn't want their experiments to leak out into public knowledge. As a matter of fact the only people who knew how to contact any where off of the island was the scientists and after the explosions they all fled. That's why we don't have plains or contacts.." Shinji thought he had forgotten all of this information. He had put it so far in the back of his mind he didn't even know if it was real or just a dream.

"So you mean your dad and his little friends left us all here for dead?!" Asuka yelled. Though she was angry you could see what little hope she had had was gone.

"Well, did you think they were just ignoring us for five years, genus?!" Touji snapped at her

"So.. we are all suffering because the scientists were to much of cowards to face us?" Rei asked quietly.

"Or to ask for help." Shinji added, nodding.

"And your father was one of them..?" Kensuke asked, his mind wandering.

"I don't claim him!" Shinji replied, the slightest hint of anger in his voice, not towards Kensuke, but towards Gendo. "He is no father of mine.."

It got quiet for a long moment, Shinji was pondering something. He had that look in his eye like he had just realized something, everyone waited to hear what it was.

"Doesn't that mean..." he said quietly to himself, but stopped before he could finish it.

"Mean what?!" Touji asked, very curious.

"N-never mind.." Shinji replied with a dumb smile, "It was stupid."  
And everyone shrugged it off.

Everyone sat and talked for nearly an hour before Shinji noticed Kaworu's long period of silence. He was thinking quietly to himself, his scarlet eyes tracing the rubble around him.

"Kaworu..?" Shinji said quietly, and then his scarlet hues met Shinji's.

He looked a little shocked by his surroundings, like he had forgotten where he was.

"I'm sorry, Shinji." he said, a faint smile on his lips. He shook his head as if he was trying to pull himself from a dream. "What was it you wanted?" he asked in a small voice.

"What's wrong?" Shinji replied to him, slightly worried.

"It was just..." Kaworu's eyes focused on Shinji now. "It's just a dream I had last night."

Shinji of all people knew better. He knew there was no such thing as 'just a dream.'

"What happened?" Shinji asked him.

Kaworu remained silent for a moment. Everyone else was caught up in lost memories, laughing their troubles away, they didn't even notice that Kaworu and Shinji were there. Knowing this made it easier for Kaworu to talk.

"It was my mother.." he said finally.

Shinji was very interested now.

"She was sitting at a table ... drinking tea with a woman. We were in this little house, it was surrounded by trees and flowers ... the walls were stone...and the floors were wooden...and.." he sounded like he was in disbelief of his dream, there was a hint of a laugh in his voice, "there were pictures hung all over the walls. There were pictures of you ... and that woman who was sitting with my mother."

Shinji was speechless. His mother had visited Kaworu? And the house ... his memories that hung on the wall. He saw it all.

Kaworu was in a daze, smiling idly as he thought back to his dream. "The woman had a kind voice.." he said, thinking about her. "She said 'He's even better in person, no wonder you're so proud' and my mother ... she smiled... and she walked to me." he paused and starred at his hands. "She placed her hands on my shoulders..." he placed his own hands on his shoulders and closed his eyes as if he was drinking in that moment, living it over and over again.

"She said ... that our journey wasn't over yet..."

"What..?" Shinji asked, very shocked and overwhelmed.

"She told me I had to find that house. I told her that the island was destroyed but she just kept telling me to go west. She wouldn't listen when I told her that there wasn't a house left standing after the accident... she just kept saying... go west."

Shinji was stunned, but for some reason he couldn't stop smiling. He was excited to keep going, to see what they had missed, what was still lain ahead for them.

"Did the woman say anything else?" Shinji couldn't help but ask.

Kaworu looked confused.

"I can't remember.." he replied,"..why?"

"It was my mother!" Shinji said, he couldn't hold in the secret anymore, excitement filled his voice.

"Wh-what?" Kaworu was still confused, he couldn't help but smile though, just the look on Shinji's face was refreshing.

Everyone was looking over now, but Shinji didn't care.

"The house! The stone walls, the wooden floors, the old oak table! The porcelain tea set, the trees, the flowers, the photographs on the walls! I've been there. My mother takes me there every night when I sleep!" Shinji hugged Kaworu tight in his arms. "My mother wanted to meet you so bad.." he finished, not letting go of Kaworu.

"Now that you mention it..." Kaworu laughed, "You look just like her.. I should have guessed!"

Shinji was so excited, he kissed Kaworu quickly and then bounced to his feet. He wanted to go, he wanted to continue on this journey, he wanted to see what there was left to see, he wanted to see the house. Why was it there? Who did it belong to? He wanted to see the west, with Kaworu at his side.

"Let's go!" Shinji said smiling brightly. "Let's go right now!"

Up until now everyone had been too speechless to talk, but this opened up their voices.

"Go?! But you just got here!" Rei said frowning.

"We will be back, sis!" Shinji replied. He took her hands in his and smiled at her. "I promise, we will be back!"

"But where are you going?" Kensuke asked, obviously worried about the rashness of his decision.

"To the west!" Kaworu was excited.

"You better be going too!" Touji demanded with a smile. He new better then to argue with them.

"Well of course I am!" Kaworu replied, and he stood up next to Shinji.

"Good, we wont stop you, please, get out of here." Asuka said.

Shinji ignored her, but having a new boldness he made another decision.

"We will stay for lunch, and then we will leave." he smirked, then he looked over at Kaworu for approval, he nodded his head, smiling.

_so this journey isn't over yet...? Just what are you hiding mother..._

Rei was moving quickly, gathering the best food she could find. It was actually amusing to watch. She was running here and there, digging in people's bags and borrowing things from the people around her. After a few minutes Kensuke joined her. Touji laughed out loud, never missing the chance to crack a joke.

"He's like a little house wife!" Touji laughed.

"He always has been!" Shinji joined in.

"Well, then," Touji stood and brushed the dirt off of his pants. "At the rate they are going, they will have food any minute, so Kaworu, Shinji, go gather wood." He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out matches. No one said anything, they just laughed. Asuka stayed on the outside of the inside joke.

Shinji and Kaworu stood, ready to go find wood, but then they stopped and looked around.

"Wait a second, Touji, where are we supposed to find wood in this place?" Shinji looked around at all of the rocks and rubble around them, the closest wood was by the graves, and he wouldn't take trees from the dead.

Asuka sighed her frustration.

"The city has a storage of wood, if you would have paid attention you would have seen it yesterday. So I'll go get it." and with that she left.

Touji kicked a rock in her direction.

"Bitch, maybe he didn't see 'cause he was busy knocking you on your ass.."

The three of them sat down again, they couldn't help but laugh at Touji's comment.

"Why is she so annoying?" Kaworu asked.

Touji shrugged, "I've been asking that same question since I was a kid."

After about ten minutes everyone was sitting around Kaworu who was arranging the wood into the pyramid in a circle of rocks. He sat back and brushed his hands together and smirked at it.

"All done!" he stated with a smile. Touji, brushed a match on his pant leg and dropped it on the wood. He struck one more match and dropped it in, and then another.

"What are you doing?" Rei asked him.

He shrugged. "I like playing with fire." he smiled and lit another one.

Kensuke snatched the matches away from him and flipped Touji's nose.

"No! Bad Touji! Bad!"

Touji rubbed his nose, "You ass hole!" and he punched Kensuke in his arm.

"Owie.." Kensuke rubbed his arm.

"Deja vu!" Shinji laughed. "I swear that was an exact scene from when you were little! Matches and all!"

"You mean when they almost caught that pine tree on fire?" Rei laughed

"So what? Who can honestly say that they have never tried to build a camp fire under a pine tree?!" Touji said, rubbing his nose.

"But you guys were not building a camp fire!" Asuka said, confused.

"Then what were we doing?" Kensuke asked.

"If I am remembering right ... you two were playing pirates!" she replied, smirking.

Everyone burst into laughter.

"Oh yeah!" Kensuke managed to say before punching Touji in his arm. "It was my 'pirate ship' and Touji decided he was going to commander it, and before I knew it the douche's A.D.D kicked in and he caught it on fire instead!!"

"He looked so proud! Do you remember?!! He was laughing maniacally with his hands on his hips, the tree burning down behind him!! Mother freaked!" Rei said through laughter.

Touji actually looked a little embarrassed, which only made it funnier.

Shinji was so happy to be there. He actually couldn't even remember what sadness felt like. He was surrounded by the people he cared about and he didn't have a worry in the world. The people were walking by, finding it strange that there were teenagers sitting around a fire in the center of the city. They found it even more strange that the teenagers were laughing. The kids had no family, no homes, they were sitting on graves and rubble and destruction. There was nothing in sight for them to be happy about, and yet there they were, laughing away without a care in the world.

Just the idea of a happy youth made the adults smile.

Shinji felt like a whole new person. He wasn't the same person he was yesterday, or the day before, or a week ago. He is a whole new Shinji, and he had never been happier.

"Chicken!" Rei said suddenly, holding her hand out.

Everyone stopped and looked at her.

"W-what?" Kaworu asked with laughter in his voice.

"Kensuke, hand me the chicken." she said the whole sentence this time.

"We have chicken?!!!" Shinji asked with a bright smile.

Kensuke pulled chicken strips from a cooler Rei had sat next to him. He handed them to her. Gently she placed them in the pan she had over the fire and she began to sizzle, and suddenly Shinji jumped onto Kaworu, and Touji onto Shinji. They were all hugging each other.

"I-I'm so.. happy!!" Shinji and Touji managed to say at the same time. Kaworu laughed at them.

"You guys are stupid!" Asuka said, there was a faint smile on her face, but she was trying her hardest to hide it.

"No!" Kensuke said in reply to Asuka. "Catching imaginary pirate ships on fire is stupid."

"No!" Touji said. "Stupid is picking dare instead of truth!!"

This time Kensuke and Touji laughed and Asuka covered her face, embarrassed.

"What happened?" Shinji asked, he didn't want to be on the outside of a joke.

".. and kiss... now they have to..." this is all you could understand out of the three of them.

"Oh, now I have to know!! Catch your breath and talk!!" Shinji said, very curious now.

Touji was the first to catch his breath. "When we were here three years ago Yui had us all sit down and play a game of truth or dare because we were all depressed and stuff. Well, when it got to Kensuke and she asked him 'truth or dare' he said dare and she made him kiss Asuka, and when it got back to Kensuke he asked Yui truth or dare and she said dare and he made her kiss some random guy on the street. And she did! And then she made the random guy play and she got him to kiss Kensuke!!! Oh man.. it was ... you just ... you had to be there!"

Shinji couldn't help but laugh, he could just see his mother doing it. She would have done anything to make them happy.

The group talked and reminisced and told stories for about half an hour before the chicken was done. Rei passed it out on plates and gave everyone bread and butter to go with it.

"I love you, chicken." Touji said staring longingly at his plate.

Shinji snickered, but his throat and stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

After Rei had it all passed out she sighed and wiped her forehead and said. "Eat up!" and she paused for a minute, "But take your time!"

"Why?" Kensuke asked muffled, half of his chicken already being chewed in his mouth.

"So Shinji and Kaworu can stay longer.." She replied, trying to look him in his eyes, but being to distracted by the unbelievable amount of chewed food in his open mouth.

"Good Idea!" he replied, still muffled, and he started chewing more slowly.

The food was amazing, a true banquet especially compared to the food he had to eat for the past five years. Shinji knew he should be eating it more slowly, savoring every bite, but despite his efforts he ate rather quickly. He was very very excited about the journey. He couldn't get his and Kaworu's matching dreams out of his mind.

He was surprised to see that he wasn't the first one done. Touji, Kensuke, and Asuka all beat him.

"I told you guys to eat slowly!!" Rei said, taking a bite out of her bread.

"But it was soooooo good!!" Touji said, reaching for the last piece of bread. Rei smacked his hand.

"Ask if anyone else wants it first!!" she said to him sternly.

Everyone giggled, still sore from laughing.

"It's like you're our mother." Kensuke said.

Rei blinked once and laughed too. While she was distracted Touji quickly grabbed the last slice of bread and took a big bite out of it, and then he stuck his tongue out at Rei, joking around.

"When do we leave?" Kaworu asked, moving his empty plate away from him and smiling gently towards Shinji.

It was a strange moment to have an epiphany, but Shinji had one. It was at this very moment in time that Shinji realized that he was going to spend the rest of his life with Kaworu. He would spend every day of eternity sitting beside him, and everyday he would only love him more.

"Shinji?" Kaworu asked, puzzled.

He had been starring at Kaworu instead of replying to him. Shinji's face flushed slightly and shook the thoughts from his mind.

"We can leave now if you're ready." she finally replied.

At the sound of this Rei stood and jumped over everyone, tackling Shinji and making him fall backwards.

"H-hello!" Shinji said, shocked.

She was hugging him.

Everyone was stuck between shock and laughter.

"What's wrong, Rei?" Shinji asked sadly.

"I cooked you food! Good food, brother! Isn't that good enough? Please stay with me." Rei said, not letting him go.

Now people laughed a little.

"Rei, I'll come back! Don't worry, I won't be gone forever." Shinji hugged her tightly and slowly sat them both up.

He hadn't realized how hard she was taking it, it made him feel kind of bad.

"Yeah! They won't be gone for long." Kensuke said trying to comfort her.

"I thought you were going to kill him!" Touji said laughed.

"Me too." Kaworu added, smiling.

"You two may want to hurry before Rei goes psycho again." Asuka stated, smirking.

After about five minutes of everyone joking around everyone stood slowly. It was time to say their good-bye. Rei was the first and she hugged both Shinji and Kaworu.

"Wow, she was calm this time." Touji snickered.

"Shut up Touji." Rei said smiling.

Kensuke hugged them both.

"Don't worry," he said, "this time I wont follow along." and he stepped back and stood beside Asuka, who wasn't the hugging type.

Touji on the other hand hugged them both, but he had to add the Touji manliness to it by beating them both in the back with his fist.

"This time.." Touji said, looking at Kaworu, "I mean it, take care of him. If you don't I'll hunt you down." he looked over at Shinji. "And visa versa, y'hear me?"

"Anything you say, Touji." Shinji relied, smirking.

Everyone waved their final farewells and then Shinji and Kaworu turned their backs to the east, and to their friends. To everything Shinji had searched for, and they faced their future.

They walked at a steady pace for a while until they arrived at the graveyard.

"Hold on, Kaworu." Shinji said, and he walked over to Yui's grave and kneeled down. Kaworu walked up and kneeled beside him.

With his eyes Kaworu traced her name on the headstone and he smiled gently. You could see it in his scarlet hues that he was taken back to a time before Shinji. Everything seemed silent and the world seemed still until Kaworu placed his hand atop the head stone and spoke aloud.

"It was nice to have finally met you, Yui Ikari."

Shinji glanced over at him. It was amazing to him how every moment he fell even more in love with Kaworu. Shinji's eyes moved back to his mother's grave. Gently he ran his fingers over her name.

"Have fun with Lilly, mother." Shinji said to her, and he smiled.

Kaworu watched him, shocked, but speechless. Shinji just smiled over at him. Shinji said good-bye once more to his mother, and then he and Kaworu stood and started on their way.

Kaworu's eyes stayed on the ground for a long while. He wasn't hiding that there was something on his mind. Shinji could sense it, he knew what it was.

"How did you know..." Kaworu finally spoke.

"Your mother's name?" Shinji finished his sentence with a gentle smile on his face. He glanced over at Kaworu, but he never stopped walking.

"My mother was talking about her last night."

"Really...?" Kaworu looked very curious, but with a slight fear in his eyes. Did she talk about him? What would she say if she did?

"Yeah, it seems our mothers are best friends." Shinji said, still smiling over at his angel. "My mother even said 'I know where Kaworu gets it from.'" he paused for a moment to glance at the sky, just long enough to wonder why it was he and Kaworu always looked to the sky, then he finished his sentence. "My mother thinks the world of you and Lilly.. already she loves you both so much. I could see it in her eyes."

Kaworu smiled shyly.

"And here I thought my mother would be lonely." Kaworu said softly. "I was so afraid to leave her, and here she is, just fine. With a new friend. She always proves me wrong when I think saddening thoughts ... when I lose faith ... when I didn't think she could move, she would walk. When I didn't think she could live, she would take a breath ... she is amazing ... she's immortal ... she's my hero..." Kaworu smiled deeply towards that same deep blue sky. The one they could never take their eyes off of.

Shinji was happy to hear about how strong Lilly was, but something struck him. A question escaped him, one he simply had to know.

"Kaworu..." Shinji was trying to stop himself, not sure if it was something he wanted to ask.

Kaworu looked at him, knowing already what it was he was going to ask.

"How did you react when you lost your mother?" Shinji finally asked, curiosity taking over.

It was quiet for a moment, but Kaworu was smiling lightly. Although, it looked very routine, like it was there to comfort Shinji, not because he was happy. Even if Kaworu knew she was happy in Heaven it always hurts to revisit old memories and sorrows.

"I handled it the way you did really.." Kaworu finally replied. "Only I should have been expecting it.. she was sick ... she had been for many years. On top of it all my father was very abusive, and it didn't help her sickness at all. He always had to beat my heart down and make me feel so helpless. Everyday he would tell me that she would be dead before noon," he paused. It seemed like he needed a moment to reform the smile on his face. He glanced over at Shinji for a moment. His eyes told a very different story then his smile.

"My mother had cancer.. she was dying. My whole life.. she was dying. Every second was harder for her then the one before. Every breath was harder to take.. but she did. She went on living.. more then that. She cooked and she cleaned and she ... she smiled... She was amazing.. so powerful.. so strong and so loving. I remember vividly.. once I told myself that my father was lying. I told myself that she was invincible."

He had to stop and catch his breath. The look on his face, the sound of his voice, the feeling around him.. it was like he was sinking back into the past. Old feelings and emotions stole his quick paced heart.. anxiety seemed to hit him like he was reliving it. He had to take a moment to remind himself exactly where and when he was. He placed his hand on his head to steady himself.

"She sure seemed ... invincible.." he whispered after catching his balance, a faded smile on his lips. They continued to walk again. "But everything I thought.. everything I knew ... it wasn't true at all... none of it was. One day I came home, her crystal blue eyes fogged over, her skin was cold, her body was stiff... she had.." he looked at his hand as if he saw something there. ".. a photo album in her hand... Everything I thought was ... so wrong...I had never been so wrong...I found ... that my mother wasn't invincible... I found that my life did go on without her ... and the world did keep spinning even though she wasn't there with me to watch the clouds pass by."

He was starring past everything around him now. Past the trees and past the sky. He had sunk into a place where even Shinji couldn't join him. His memories. Shinji wanted to speak. More then anything he wanted to find the words to make all of Kaworu's pain to go away, but Shinji had never been good at that. Why should he try now if he has failed in the past?

His gaze fell to his feet and he started walking steadily towards his dream world.

_I can't believe this! I hate this.. I hate myself... just SAY SOMETHING!_

He looked over at Kaworu who still looked very lost, but not wanting to share the burden. Shinji couldn't stand it. His heart skipped a beat.

_say anything..._

Almost as if someone else was moving him, Shinji slipped his hand gently into Kaworu's and he stepped into his path. Kaworu looked up at him, and Shinji was smiling gently.

"Your happiness is my happiness.. your pain is my pain.."

Shinji placed his open palm onto Kaworu's cheek.

"You don't have to drift alone any more, Kaworu, because your burdens are mine as well..."

Kaworu smiled at him, and gently brushed his lips over Shinji's.

As if by instinct Shinji whispered, "Let me protect you.."

**_'Let me protect you'_**

Shinji was so happy, and so proud of himself. He found it inside of him. Everything Kaworu had been trying to tell him in his dreams.. everything he had been trying to tell Kaworu. For the first time Shinji stood there, the strong one, the comforting one, the loving one, the person he had always wished he was. He kissed Kaworu's hand softly.

_I owe it all to you..._

If there was a way to visit the book of life and read through it once more, this would be the moment Shinji would come back to.

Kaworu couldn't stop smiling. No one had ever cared enough to rescue him. He was always the one doing the rescuing. He was so proud of Shinji, he who only a short while ago couldn't make himself smile, let alone someone else. He was truly the person Kaworu had been waiting for, through life and death. If he hadn't taken form and returned to Earth when he did, he would have missed it all together. He smiled up at the sky and sent his silent thanks to God. He even grants the wishes of angels.

The two of them walked together in undisturbed silence for about half an hour, but suddenly a loud noise stole them from their sanctuary. A loud, almost honking noise, like an old car. Shinji slipped his hand from Kaworu's and looked around, that's when something very strange caught his eye. It was short, and black, misplaced, and loud. It was standing beneath a tree only 40 yards away. It was... a penguin?

"Is that ... what I think it is...?" Shinji asked in a small voice.

Slowly they both walked towards the creature, and starred at it amazed, and the penguin starred back. They were more likely to run away then it was. The penguin honked loudly again, and the humor finally caught up with Kaworu. He started laughing loudly, amazed by the unlikely find. Shinji and the penguin both looked at Kaworu curiously, and they both titled their heads the same direction. This just lead to Kaworu's laughing harder.

"What's so funny?" Shinji asked.

"You two, on my God!" Kaworu couldn't speak, he had to stop and catch his breath. "You two were meant to be, you were making the exact same face at me."

When Shinji looked back at the penguin, they shared the same look again, but then it all hit him and once and he too began to laugh.

"Why is there even a penguin here?!" Shinji finally asked.

Kaworu knelt down in front of it and spoke happily to it, his words laced with laughter.

"I don't know.. why don't we ask the little fella. Why are you here Pen Pen?" he spoke to it in baby talk.

"You've already given it a pet name?" Shinji laughed lightly at him.

"Maybe!" Kaworu said defensively. "I like the name Pen Pen!"

Pen Pen honked at them.

"And he does too!" Kaworu added with a snicker.

Shinji knelt beside Kaworu and patted Pen Pen's head.

"You know.." Shinji said, remembering something. "My mother loved penguins, they were her favorite animals! She used to have a charm bracelet with little golden penguins on them."

On that note Pen Pen shook his head and started walking towards the western horizon. He walked a few feet and then turned and looked at them, as if they were supposed to follow him and he was waiting for them to catch up. It was like the penguin had just remember something important.

"Where are you going, Pen Pen?" Kaworu asked with a childish frown on his lips, which strongly resembled the look on a child's face when a mother tells her child that they can't have the dog in the window.

Pen Pen looked at them in displeasure and he honked at them, flapping his wings around. Kaworu's head tilted to the side.

"Let's follow him." Kaworu said.

"What?" Shinji looked shocked.

"Well, He's going west!" Kaworu said with a smile.

Before Shinji could protest Kaworu had already stood and started playing follow the leader with the penguin. Shinji sighed lightly and followed behind Kaworu.

They traveled through a small forest and over an empty prairie right in the heart of no where, when suddenly Shinji noticed something very familiar. A smell. A smell so distant.. it was almost dream like. It was the thick scent of flowers. Only a few yards later Shinji's feet were surrounded by many different colored wild flowers, and he could see the perfect view of the horizon. You couldn't tell where the Earth ended and the sky began.

"I've been here." Kaworu stole the words from Shinji's mouth.

They both started running now, Pen Pen trailed behind them.

Shinji could feel the could ground below him, his feet making a sound that matched the beating of his heart. He knew what was happening, he knew where he was going. Everything was moving so fast at that moment, everything looked like a blur to him. It was like the world was making up for all of the time Shinji spent under the rubble by himself. Like the Earth was spinning faster. Then suddenly.. everything stopped. He was standing in front of a small house, surrounded by flowers, and a perfect view of the horizon. It was the house from his dream, the place he went to every night when he fell asleep.

His brown eyes traced the scene, it didn't seem real, and why should it, it had been a dream every time before. He thought he was sleeping until his eyes met Kaworu's, and he was starring curiously around as well. This time it wasn't a dream, it was to good to be one.

Pen Pen's honking is what snapped Shinji back to reality, where the Earth was spinning normally. Shinji and Kaworu looked back at the penguin, and when it finally caught up to them, it fell to it's stomach and started panting to catch it's breath.

It was at this moment that Shinji could hear his mother's laughter ringing in his ears, and it all made since all of a sudden. He couldn't help but laugh. Kaworu starred at him, cluelessly, but Shinji didn't really notice. His eyes stayed on Pen Pen, and he giggled.

"Mother.. I can't believe... you sent me a guardian penguin.."

Kaworu laughed lightly, but he was still a little confused.

Pen Pen stood and waddled up to the door of the house and turned towards the boys. He tapped his foot at them, impatiently. They exchanged glances before walking up to the house. Shinji grabbed the door knob and it's cold metal nearly stole his breath.

Slowly he opened the door.

The fireplace, the wooden floor, the stone walls, extremely dusty photographs... it was all the same.. the exact same as his dreams.

"Where is he going?" Kaworu asked as Pen Pen walked in under Shinji's legs.

Shinji had been to busy looking around to notice.

Pen Pen walked humbly into the kitchen, Kaworu and Shinji didn't hesitate to follow.

The penguin walked up to the refrigerator and jumped at the handle, trying to open it, but failing horribly. Kaworu felt bad for him so he walked up and opened the door. A cold burst of air blew past him. Pen Pen walked in and looked up at Kaworu, who slowly closed the door.

"Shinji.." Kaworu said slowly. His face was stricken with shock.

"Yes..?" Shinji replied in a daze.

"The power... is still on here..."

Shinji snapped around and looked at him in disbelief. He decided to test the theory. He walked up to the light switch on the wall and flipped it. When he did, the room was bathed in light.

"But.. but how..?" Shinji questioned. "This place was abandoned... for a couple of years it looks like."

Shinji looked around in amazement, since it had been five years since he had seen a working light bulb, or a room bathed in yellow light.

Kaworu slipped past Shinji and pulled a frame from the wall. He tried to blow the dust from the glass, but it was thicker then he thought, so he hand to rub his hand across it. He examined the photo intently before speaking.

"It seems this man was the owner..."

Shinji starred over at him. He had forgotten that the walls weren't covered in his memories. He slowly walked over to Kaworu who was offering the photo with an extended hand. Shinji took it gently and looked down at it.

He was horrified by the face that was starring back at him. Those eyes.. those cold, cruel eyes... of his father's.

At first Shinji gripped the frame so tight that his knuckles turned all white, then he dropped it, letting the glass shatter around his feet.

He plucked another frame from the wall and wiped the dust away. It too was a picture of his father, and so was the next one... and the one after that.

Suddenly Shinji realized everything that had happened. He dropped the frames that were in his hands and let them hit the floor hard, breaking into thousands of tiny shards. he could feel a rage deep down inside of him. One he had held back for so many years. He started to pull the frames from the walls, and he didn't bother wiping the dust away. He threw them as hard as he could, but his rage only increased with every sound of the shattering glass. He started to throw them so hard they were hitting the walls opposite of their origin.

"He came here... all those times he came here! He left mother and I... and he would come here!!" Shinji ripped another frame from the wall and he slammed it onto the ground. He was starting to enjoy that feeling of the shards crunching under his worn shoes.

"But this means.. he knew there was a chance... he knew what his experiment could do!! He knew that he would destroy this island!" He slammed another photo on the ground. "He moved all of his important stuff here... the one house on the island that didn't crumble!!"

He started ripping the photos from the walls and just letting them fall where every, not caring anymore. His eyes were burning from his tears, his throat hurt from screaming and holding the tears back.

"He brought all of his paper work... but not mom..." he choked out, ".. but not me..." he threw another photo across the room.

"He just didn't care!!!!"

Shinji reached for the final picture on the wall, but then he felt arms around him preventing him from grabbing it. He turned his head to protest against Kaworu, but he was not where near Shinji. He hadn't budged, still standing at the end of the hall, mortified by Shinji's destruction and anger. It hardly looked like he was breathing.

_look_ Shinji heard his mother's voice.

He looked back at the dust covered photo. After a moment he blew on the glass and the dust flew all around him. There he found, tucked back in the darkest part of the hallway, their family portrait. His mother stood to the right smiling happily and beaming with pride. She stood next to a younger Gendo, his look only a shade lighter then a scowl, and held safely in Yui's arms was a baby.. who had his mother's smile.

Shinji felt the invisible arms let him go.

_Turn around_ he heard her say again.

He wasn't fighting the tears anymore. They streamed down his face, leaving moist streams leading from his eyes. He turned completely around and he found himself starring into a dark, windowless room. Slowly he walked in and ran his hand over the light switch, and just like the kitchen the room lit up. There was a large black radio sitting on a table. It looked like an old military radio. Spread across the table and the floor were what seemed like a million papers.

Shinji could hear Kaworu's footsteps on the crunching glass behind him in the hallway. Shinji didn't continue into the room until he could feel Kaworu behind him.

"What is this..?" Shinji asked quietly.

Kaworu slipped past him to get a better look. "It's an old military radio.." he paused for a moment, gazing at it. "It's like a really big walky talky. It was probably used to speak with the military in Japan."

"And if this place was important enough for one of those things, then they would make sure it always had electricity too.." Shinji stated, realizing now why everything in the house was still working.

"Exactly." Kaworu replied, examining the radio more closely.

Shinji walked up to it and gently ran his hand across it's cool metal.

"So my father used this to talk to Japan, huh?"

There was silence for a moment, and Shinji's heart began to pound hard in his chest. His hands shook with both excitement and fear.

"D-do you think... you can turn it on..?" Shinji asked Kaworu in a shaky voice.

"Ummn, yeah.. I think I could." he replied, walking around to the back of the machine and messing with the wires.

Shinji ran his fingers across the desk, gently moving papers around. He could hardly feel his legs buckle under him as he fell back into the chair. He touched everything lightly, afraid that it may turn to dust if he was to rough. Finally, he gently ran his fingers across the microphone, he was to shocked to move.

Kaworu stood beside Shinji now. When he noticed Shinji's dried tears and shaking hands he tilted Shinji's head up until their eyes met. He brushed his lips across Shinji's and he slowly flipped a switch on the machine. A buzzing noise filled the room indicating that the radio was working now.

"Good luck..." Kaworu whispered.

Shinji nodded once and leaned forward, he spoke surprisingly clearly into the microphone.

"Hello? Can you read me..?"

There was a long moment of silence.

"Hello?" Shinji tried once more much louder. "Japan, China, anyone! Can you hear me..?"

It remained silent.

Shinji's one chance to make right everything his father did wrong.. his one chance to clear his own name... his one chace to save the island and he had failed.

His shoulders fell. He was so sad that he couldn't cry. It didn't seem real enough to cry.

Kaworu sympathetically placed his hand on Shinji's shoulder, when suddenly they heard a strange noise. Static.

"What?!" Shinji's heart was racing again, he spoke loudly and quickly into the microphone.

"Can you hear me?" a voice came through the speakers. "My name is Hayatao Miyako, leader of squad four of the Japanese military...

..where are you?"

* * *

_Ode to Joy:_

**End**


	6. Three Years Later

**_this is a diary entry from Shinji's point of view, three years after the ending of 'Ode to Joy'_**

* * *

January 17, 2017

Dear Diary,

I know it has been a long time since I've written. Many years, actually. I haven't even had the courage to open you since the disaster eight years ago, but everything is better now. Much better.

Since the last time I have written in you my seemingly crumbling world has been put back together, and the mortar holding it there is the love of my life, Kaworu Nagisa, and, of course, my long lost friends.

Let me start with that day.

The people who answered Kaworu and I on the radio were indeed members of the Japanese army, and they ended up pinpointing the island and sending supplies and help. Together we rebuilt this place, brick by brick. Back in Japan they found all of the scientists who had lied and said everyone on the island was dead. My father was included. I wasn't suprised. All of the convicted are currently on death row for everything they did to us on the island. I personally never wanted to speak with my father again, but Rei and Kaworu pleaded with me until I sent him one letter. In it I told him about everything he missed, and everyone who died. I told him that I had found love, I had found peace, and mother was safe tucked inside of Heaven. With no surprise I still haven't received a reply. That doesn't really bother me now. I will never let anything that man does bother me again.

Now, on a litghter note I have some unthinkable news! Kensuke and Asuka got married about a year and a half ago. I know! It's great, huh? Asuka actually looked as happy as Kensuke that day! I was very happy for them both. What's more shocking then that, though, is the fact that Asuka has become much more amiable, but you'd never guess why! Asuka just gave birth a year and a half ago and--are you ready for this?-- it was triplets!! Two boys and one girl! The first born was a boy, they named Julian, the second born was the other boy, whom they named Toushi.. that's right.. after Touji. And the girl, the youngest... they named her Yui. They are so beautiful and Kensuke and Asuka have never been happier.

All of the gangs and cults that formed refused to disband. For a few months they got away with murder and caused chaos, but not for long. Rei and Touji started a special task force that concentrated on stopping these types of gangs, and they prevent any more gangs from forming. They are very succesful at this, as a matter of fact not to long ago they came to me and told me that they found the very man who killed my mother. They wanted to leave it up to me what was done with him. At first, needless to say, I was extremely angry, but then I could hear my mother in Heaven. She said to me "My boy, don't be angry because of what he has done to me, be angry because of all of the other lives he stole. They are all standing here with me Shinji, can you hear them?"

I told them to send him to the same prison, and death row my father was on. The cruel irony would teach Gendo a good lesson.

Speaking of Touji, he has taken a vow to stay single. It may be arcane to most, but I know that he listens closely to everything I say when I talk about seeing my mother every night, he vowed to stay faithful to Hikari. About a year ago he started seeing her in his dreams. Now he never seems to stop smiling, and his eyes never wander to another person for love.

Oh, I almost forgot Nana! She moved to the city where everyone lives and she opened her restaurant. Yui and she had always wanted to start a ramen shop, and she, too, has never been happier.

Kaworu and I fixed up our 'dream' house, my father's old workshop. Everything shines, and the walls are covered in photographs, just like it always has been.

Together Kaworu and I have organized and helped to build railroads and airports. We made a promise to the people on the island that we would never lose contact with outside life ever again, and we are good to our promises.

Everyday when I look at Kaworu I fall even more in love with him, every smile I hold dear to my heart. I hold on to his every belief, and I pray for his happiness. I pray that every morning I wake to see his beautiful face shrouded in light by my side. He is still kind and demure, I am still heavy hearted and in love. It seems after all these years the only thing that has changed is how deeply I care for him. Oh, and you'll be happy to know that we too have a new addition to our family. Ha ha, we kept the penguin, the one my mother sent to us. He kept the name Pen Pen, and he absolutely loves Kensuke's kids. When he is near them he takes the role as mother and squacks at all the people who pass them by.

I must leave soon, Kaworu and I are getting ready to go for a picnic with everyone. We're going out to that fountain in our home town. It's full of coins now.. it seems no one is afraid to dream anymore.

Before I go, however, I want to tell you my discovery. I figured out why people like Kaworu and I look to the sky so often. We have so many questions ... so many thoughts, and yet there are no answers. No matter how long we look here on Earth, we just can't find those answers. But when we look to the sky, everything slows down. It becomes one world, one united world.. and we can see everything we need to see. We would see that bad things happen to good people ... that good things happen to bad people ... but you can always be the good thing that happens to good people, and that's all that matters. Eight years ago I was disturbed, sad, and suicidal. Now I am happy and rebuilding a world... I'm changing lives. I'm being the good thing that happens to good people.

And now I realize that I am finally living the life my mother always prayed I would.. and every day, when I wake up next to my beautiful angel, and I find completion, I hear the music in my mind, singing 'Let me be with you'

It's my very own ... ode to joy.

-Shinji Ikari

* * *

I've had a shockingly _good response_ to this, but it was mostly in **PM's** (no proof in the reviews TT-TT) so I've decided to **add another chapter** to this story called "_What Happens Next_" I am currently working on this, actually, as we speak. I do hope that you enjoy the next chapter, and I hope you enjoyed the chapters before this. :3 This time _please **review**_, though! I had no idea people liked this story until I checked my mail. :D

**See you in the next chapter!**

_**-Hincaru**_


	7. What Happens Next

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Evangelion, but I'm working on it!**

**Author's note:** After much love from the fans I decided to continue this story. I think everyone knows better, but I highly recomend that you read everything up to this point, or it won't make much sence. This story takes place a few months after the diary entry Shinji wrote in "Three Years Later" And let me remind you now that the youngest of the triplets names is Yui, don't get confused. :3

**Couples:** ShinjiXKaworu KensukeXAsuka ToujiXHikari

here it is:

**_What happens next_**

* * *

I had been nearly four years since Shinji called for help. An though it may sound like a long time, it didn't seem very long to Shinji. Time flies when everything is going right. In just these few years homes had been rebuilt, bridges and aiports had been built, not to mention all the food and medicine that they lacked after the explosion. It was fantastic.

Shinji had gotten everything he'd ever wanted in his life. He has his dream house, all of his friends were alive and well, he escaped the curse of his name, and best of all.. he had Kaworu.

It was hard for Shinji to believe he lived the way he used to. He did remember sleeping on the ground, under rubble. He remembered not having food for day.. he remembered all the pain. But sitting in his dream house with the love of his life, he couldn't believe he had ever been sad. As a matter of fact, sadness seemed so far away to him now, he'd forgotten the feeling.

Kaworu and Shinji lived happily in their 'dream' house with their 'guardian penguin.' What did he have to be sad about? He was considered a hero. He and Kaworu both were, however, they didn't want to be treated as such. The life was to fake.. to rich for their blood, really. They saved the island because of Yui. She was the real hero.

On this day in their life, Shinji and Kaworu were going out to see their friends, who lived only a short distance away from them. They left their house and stood in their large yard, and they paused for a moment. They had to stop and take in the fresh air and the dream like sceanary.

"It never gets old." Kaworu said with a smile.

Together they started to walk, but the hardly got anywhere before they heard their pet screech behind them.

"WOCK!" the penguin waddled up to them as quickly as possible.

"hmn, Penpen wants to come." Shinji laughed.

"It has been a while since he'd gone for a walk." Kaworu smirked.

So the three of them walked together, away from their home.

-Knock Knock-

Shinji, Kaowru, and Penpen stood infront of Touji's apartment door.

-Knock Knock-

It was going on noon, and being a member of the special forces, Touji should naturally wake up at 8:00a.m. at the latest.

-Knock Knock Knock-

Especially since Rei was on the same force with him. It's shocking that she wouldn't come and wake him personally every morning.

-Knock Knock Knock-

Finally the door opened. Touji's eyes were swollen and still trying to focus. He had just woken up.

"H-hey guys!" He tried to shake the sleep from his eyes. "C'min guys." He stepped to the side to let his friends in, and grinned when Penpen waddled in behind them.

"Hey ya little pidgeon, are you here to raid my fridge again?"

"Squack!!" Penpen smacked the door and it closed behind him. He waddled away, and Touji had to laugh a little. He got a kick out of picking on the little penguin.

Touji's apartment was quite tidy... or maybe it was just empty. He had a couch, a chair, a TV and a coffee table in his livingroom. A fridge and a stove in his kitchen, and a bed and a lamp in his bedroom. There wasn't enough stuff in the house to make a mess.

Touji sat down in the chair in the living room, Shinji and Kaworu sat on the couch across from him.

"What took you so long to answer?" Shinji asked his friend. He smiled despite his worry. There was something obviously wrong with him.

"I was sleeping." Touji replied simply, yawning.

Kaworu noticed the phone taken off of the hook. "Don't you think people will worry..?" Kaworu asked, still looking at the phone.

Touji looked back to see what the angel was staring at. "Oh.. nah." Touji yawned again. "If they really wanted to see me they would show up at my door. Like yuu guys did." Touji said as he hung up the phone.

"How long had it been off the hook?" Shinji asked. He could feel a burning in his chest. It was worry. He was concerned about his friend.

"I took it off of the hook last night when I went to bed." Touji said.

Shinji looked relieved. "AH! So it was just a late night last night."

"No. I went to bed at eight last night." Touji said. Shinji felt that burning worry again. "I just didn't want woken up." Touji finished. He looked rather sad.

shinji knew why now. At night Shinji would dream, his mother would join him. She would take him to her slice of Heaven. Every night Touji is visited by Hikari.

"You don't want to leave her.. do you?" Shinji asked quietly.

Touji smirked, but he had sadness in his eyes. "Would you?" he sighed deeply. "I don't understand how you so willingly leave Yui in the morning."

"Willingly isn't the word I would use." Shinji replied with a faint smile. "I know my mother is happy. She tells me every night. She tells me to go on living, and every night she prays for my happiness.. I know my mother... is happy."

"I'm more greedy then that Shinji.." Touji tried to stay strong, but you could see the sadness in his eyes. "I lost her... so many years ago.. and yet every night..." he looked at his hands. "Every night I can hold her again... Every morning it gets harder and harder to wake up. I don't want to leave her... again and again every morning.." His eyes fell to the floor. "Every morning I lose her again."

"But dosen't it feel good to wake up and know that she is happy and safe?" Kaworu asked, trying to help.

Touji shook his head. "I want her to be safe and happy... but I want her to be safe and happy with me." he looked up again, his eyes glazed. "Y'know.. I wouldn't even wake up in the morning if she didn't make me." He laughed lightly.. "..You know how forceful she can be."

There was a sad silence.

"One of these days, Shinji..."Touji smiled weakly up at his old friend. ".. I'm not going to wake up... and that will be the happiest day of my life."

Shinji's eyes fell to the floor. How could he reply to that? He couldn't tell him lies... it was true. The day Touji will be happiest is the day when his life ends. Shinji felt near hopeless for a moment.

"But.." Kaworu broke the silence. "You're still alive now, Touji." Kaworu smiled happily at him. "Why you're here, why not live happily like she wants you to? Why not live enough for the both of you... stop wishing for death to please yourself.. while you're alive.. why not live for her?"

There was silence again, but this time Touji smiled. It was even a happy smile. He tried not to let anyone notice, but when he ran his hand over his face the tears in his eyes were gone.

"yeah.. why not." Touji stood and put on his jacket. "Let's go." Touji said with that old spark he used to have.

"Go?"

"Go get the others! That's what we're doing, right?"

Shinji smiled at his friend. "Yeah. Let's go!"

The three of them headed towards the door, but as Touji oened it he had to stop in mid-step.

"What's wrong, Touji?" Shinji asked.

"It's too quite.. hold on a second."

Touji walked into his kitchen.

"Get out of my fridge you damn pidgeon!!"

Penpen came waddling out of the kitchen, Touji following behnd them. They all had to laugh before he shut the door behind them.

"Next.. let's go get Daddy Kensuke."

They laughed again, and then started on their way.

They had a fairly large house, but they had to. It had to fit a family of five!!

Shinji knocked on the door.

"You're doing it wrong!" Kaworu looked excited. "Like this!" he knocked on the door, but he made a song out of it. It was a very distinct knock, which guaranteed one of the children would answer the door. And just as he suspected a little kid answered the door.

Kaworu smiled down at him. "Hello Julian."

"Hewo uncle Kaworu!!" the boy practically jumped into Kaworu's arms and together the five of them walked in.

Inside Asuka was playing with her children. She was smileing. Even after nearly two years Shinji hadn't gotten used to that smile. She was quite the little mommy. She smiled up at them.

"Julian! What did i tell you about letting the freaks in!" She laughed as she spoke.

Yui and Toushi dropped the blocks they had in their hands and ran up to the group at the door. Yui was very much attatched to Shinji, so the first thing she did was climb up into his arms. Toushi however wanted to be just like Touji, so he tried to look tough. He ran up beside Touji and puffed out his chest.

"Hi uncwl Touji." he said, trying to look mean.

Touji laughed and ruffled his hair.

"Hey brat."

"What're you here for, uncle Shinji?" Yui asked, pushing back and looking Shinji in his eyes.

"Actually we were coming to see if you three and your mommy and daddy would like to go out with us for a while."

All three kids cheered.

"Can we go mommy?! I wanna go!!"

"I'm game." Asuka smirked. "Go ask daddy if we can go."

The children all jumped to the floor and led everyone to the back of the house. Toushi had to take the lead. Once they reached the very back of the house Toushi stopped infront of a door. Hanging on the door was a note, and it was framed. Toushi pointed at it. "Daddy wrote dat, he's in der."

Kaworu took it upon himself to read the note outloud.

"Here lies the brave Kensuke. He faught heroicly and died tragically in a war... against himself."

They laughed.

"Is he ever going to grow up?" Shinji asked himself aloud as he opened the door.

Kensuke was sitting at his computer in his dark bedroom. Only the light from the monitor illuminated his face. he was looking through the hundreds of pictures he had. he fancied himself a photographer. Actually, the first thing he did after the rescue was buy a new digital camera. After a moment he looked over.

"Gasp!! It's my baby!!" He stood up and ran over to the group, and ironically enough instead of going for his three twenty month olds he ran for the penguin. "Penpen!! I've missed you sooo much!!" he picked Penpen up and hugged him.

"Squack"

"Gee, do you think he see's us?" Touji asked loudly, being a smartallec.

"Pshaw! Of course I see you! I'm wearing my glasses!!" he choose this moment to use his spare hand that wasn't holding the penguin and snap a picture.

He loves that camera. It was he first one he got after the rescue, and he never went anywhere without her. That's right. Her. He named her Julia, and she was Asuka's only competition.

"So." Kensuke smirked at them. "Who let you three in?"

"Julian." Kaworu said. "And I believe the three of them have something to ask you." Kaworu was great with the kids, he knew what was getting ready to happen. It was sabatoge. At once all three children jumped on their father.

"Can we go wiff 'em daddy?" "Pwease? Mommy said it was ok!!" "Can we pwease go? Pwease, pwease, pwease?!"

It was a jumbled mess of voices. All three of them were talking at once. Kaworu just smirked.

"Ok, ok!" Kensuke laughed. "We can go, c'mon, let's get mommy and get your coats on!"

The large group all went into the livingroom with Asuka. The first thing Kensuke did was move over and kiss his wife.

"I see you said yes." She said smirking at her kids.

Kensuke picked up Penpen again. "How could you say no to this face?!"

"Squack"

"so.. where are we going?" Asuka asked as she started putting her children's coats on.

"Right now? We're going to get Rei." Shinji replied.

"You mean we have to go peal her away from work?!" Touji groaned. "If we don't leave now we'll never get her out by nightfall."

Rei was very much devoted to her job, it was her life. Honestly, Touji wasn't lieing. The group of nine left the house and set after their blue haired friend.

And sure enough rei was sitting at her desk in the special forces office, doing paperwork as fast as a computer. You could see her frown turn into a smile before the group ever came into sight. They could be seen long before they could be heard, especially since Toushi was running through the halls hollaring Rei's name. Just as they turned the corner, she stood, smiling and waited for her hugs. She loved those children like they were her own.

"Oh, here comes trouble." she laughed as the children ran up to her.

All three of them tackled her and hugged her tightly. Kensuke took the opprotunity to snap a picture.

"What brings you here?" Rei asked in her small voice.

"Well, we better not beat around the bush or we'll never get out of here. We're here to kidnap you." Touji said, grinning.

"Now you guys know better! I can't leave! I'm at work."

"Pwease auntie Rei!!" All the kids begged.

"I-I can't..." Rei hated telling the children no.

"How can you say no to them?" Touji played on her guilt for the children.

"Touji! You know I can't!!" She was already starting to break.

"Oh yeah, watch this. HEY!!" Touji yelled at a passing worker. "Shino! Could you and the guys handle things around here if Rei left with us, or would the whole building cave in?"

"Heheh. It's all good. you guys can leave, it's been a slow day anyway!" The man replied, and then went on his way.

Touji smirked evily at Rei.

"Touji you know I can't! I'll get in trouble!"

"Oh by who?! Me?! We're the bosses Rei!"

She frowned.

"Ok Rei, just look at these kids!" Touji bent down and pulled them all to him. They all stood in a line in front of them. "I want you to look them in the eyes and tell them 'no'."

She looked down at the kids who stared back at her wide eyed and hopeful. She sighed deeply.

"Fine.. alright." She smiled, not pretending to be angry when she wasn't. "Let's go."

"YAY!!" the children celibrated.

"But!" Asuka said aloud. "The most important question is.. just where in the hell are we going?"

There was silence.

No one had thought that far ahead, but leave it to Kaworu to solve that problem.

"The children have never been off the island." the angel said with a smile. "And as far as I know it's getting close to the Tanabata festival! Let's take the traint and take them to Kyoto to celibrate!"

"Yeah! I haven't been to Kyoto in forever! Let's go!!" Kensuke looked very happy as he spoke, and the kids looked excited.

Yui climbed up into Kaworu's arms, preparing to ask for something. You could see it in her big eyes.

"Uncle Kaworu... can we go see Heaven fwrst?"

Everything stood still for a moment. Kaworu looked shocked. Slowly his red eyes moved over to Asuka. He was hoping 'mommy' would know what to say.

"She wants to see grandma Yui at the cemetary." 'mommy' replied

Kaworu took a deep breath. There for a moment he hadn't been breathing at all.

"Of course we can go, honey. It's right on our way." he smiled at her. "I've missed grandma Yui myself."

The whold group of nine took their leave. Each one of them patiently anticipating Heaven.

The cemetary seemed colder then the rest of the city. And there were so many more graves there compared to when Shinji first came there, yet Shinji found her headstone without thought.

Everyone followed Shinji through the maze of stones until he finally her grave was in sight. It seemed everyone else went ahead of him then. He stood several feet away and just stared at the stone, and he remembered that day.. nearly four years ago. He remembered the first time he saw her grave. He remembered the tears, and the screaming, and the fighting... being too depressed to move. He remembered the cold earth below him as he slept infront of her grave... so long ago. Although he knew his mother was safe and warm in heaven, just being there brought back those feelings of dread. That cold peirced his heart.. and for a moment he felt real sadness again.

Shinji was so lost in his thoughts he didn't notice Kaworu, who walked up next to him. The angel slipped his hand into Shinji's, and his gentle warmth made Shinji remember when he first saw Kaworu.. at that fountain in the city. He remembered when Kaworu talked him into leaving his depression behind and going on the biggest adventure he had been on... the adventure to find his mother. But the memory that stuck out most in his head was when Kaworu slept out on the cold ground next to him.. while he mourned his long lost mother. Those warm thoughts woke him from his daze.

Shinji smiled over at his albino soul mate. Seeing his pale features, his kind eyes, his warm hand.. standing there with him.. he knew why he knew why he fell in love with him... he felt himself falling in love again.

And somehow that peircing cold melted away.

Kaworu walked Shinji up to the group. The children sat in a semi-circle around the stone and spoke with Yui as if she was really there talking back to them. Shinji walked up and sat at the stone as well. He slowly ran his fingers over her name, feeling to make sure it was still there... it still wasn't a dream.

And for a moment, he was lost again.

But suddenly he felt warmth on his hand. He could see someone else's placed over his. He followed the bearly visible arm up to find that he could faintly see his mother sitting on her headstone. She smiled down at him for a moment, curing all the woes he had, and then she looked back at the children and they began to speak again.

"What's heaven like grandma Yui?" Little Yui asked, very curious.

"It's wonderful." She touched the child's cheek. "It's everything you could ever dream of."

The four of them continued to talk, but Shinji could hear them. He was too enthralled by the sight of his mother. After a few minutes passed Yui moved from her gravestone and hugged each child tightly before hugging Shinji close and kissing his head.

"They're so excited about the festival, Shinji. Remember your first festival? You were so excited... make it the same for them." She smiled down at her son. "Take care of them Shinji.. and yourself." she slowly started to fade away. "Oh, and don't forget to tell everyone I love them... and I love you, Shinji" she managed to say before she was completely gone.

"I.. love you too.. mother."

"Bye bye Grandma Yui!!" The children all waved their goodbyes.

Shinji watched them in amazment as they stood and pranced to their parents. He looked at his friends. "Did... any of you... see.." he never finished his question.

"See what?" Touji asked. The others looked equally confused.

Shinji looked over at Kaworu, who was smileing warmly at him. Had he seen her too..?

Suddenly Shinji was forced from ththose thoughts when he heard Penpen squck loudly. He turned around and the penguin was running around her gravestone. He laughed lightly. it seems the only other people who saw her was the children and the penguin. He couldn't help but laugh.

"What's funny?" Kensuke asked. he hated being on the outside of a joke.

"N-nothing.." Shinji smiled. "Mother loves you all."

The others smiled.. but they couldn't hide their confusion.

"Come on!!" the children exclaimed with wide smiles. "Grandma Yui says we'll love Kyoto!"

They didn't pay much attention to what the children said, but Shinji and Kaworu exchanged smiles.

Shinji had plently to smile about now. He stood in the middle of his closest friends.. his family. Only a few years ago he had nothing... nothing but death, and now... he had everything he had ever dreamed of. Now he and the other eight members of his family started towards the train station, ready to make memories that would warm them on even the coldest of days.

* * *

_I hope you liked it! _

_And if you did, remember to review! I won't know to continue if you don't tell me too!! :3_

_Hopefully I'll see you in the next chapter!_

**_-Hincaru_**


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